Since I've changed everything .. the link, name .. etc .. I'm guessing no one (among those I know) will find it ... so now, this will be a place for me to be 'normal'. I feel like deleting my old posts though ... the more I look at it, the guiltier I feel for myself .. I tried to live a 'happy' life for years .. but now, I give up. What is a 'happy' life ? How can I be happy when I'm not even sincere to myself ? I lied .. I fooled myself millions of times ..... I lied to everyone ... I lied ... yes, I lied. I'm sorry ......... I just need to be happy and I don't want you to worry ... although, I know that no one will be worried about me .. I just like to think that maybe .. just maybe someone will care about me. I wish ... and even dream for the most impossible things ... because I know I can't have it in real life. Let me be myself for once ..... I've tolerated your non-sense, why can't you tolerate mind for once ? I've never said anything .. I never complained about you .... why can't you just .. help me. For once ... just help me. I know I'm selfish ....... but I never left you behind.
Okay .. maybe I've done something to my family or my parents, or my friends .. or someone in the past ..... and this is actually a punishment .. then, fine ... okaay. I deserve it anyway ...
However .. if I could have one wish .... I wish ...... for things to be nothing like now.
.. Good night ...
Rabu, 18 Mac 2015
Selasa, 3 Mac 2015
A Moment ...
.. I'm not supposed to whine about it ... but heck, who cares ?
Honestly, I'm not even sure what am I doing with my life right now .. like nothing makes sense anymore. Most of the 'friends' I used to have .. now they're, to me, trying to distant themselves away from me .. or maybe it's actually the other way round.
Yes, maybe .. just maybe, I'm the one who is trying to run away from them .. because I'm an idiot who only thinks about herself and no one else. I did try to understand .. but I just couldn't.
I hate being alone sometimes, but I do feel comfortable when I'm away from people. Only when I'm alone .. guilt hunts me. When I'm alone .. memories are trying to suffocate me .. but only when I'm alone, I can be myself again .. creating another world for myself .. running away, escaping the reality. I admit, I did wish for all the attention to be on me ... but at the same time, I wish for nothing but silence.
I remember every word ... every single word .. it haunts me every night ..
I'm useless .. because I couldn't do anything .. or when I whined too much ..
I'm selfish ... because I did a mistake .. my lack of 'care' of my surrounding made me selfish ...
I'm rude ... because I tried to sound normal ... my 'self' is not accepted by anyone ... not even my family.
I did all those things .... because for once .. I wish for them to act like a 'family'. I'm jealous of everyone who chats, talks or even hangs out with their parents, siblings, bros and sisters .. I have none of that. My family .... I can't be as carefree as I wish ..
My dad understands me ... and I'm very grateful about it. Other than him ...... no one else does ..........
I tried to not feel awkward whenever I'm with them ... but they never let me be myself ... I mean, watching how close my friend is with her mom makes me jealous. They're like bestfriend to each other .... I can't even complain about a single thing, because I know they'll never understand .. How I wish I could just have at least someone .. a family member to talk to ... I need to know how it feels to be close to your own family ...
They care for me, yes ... they really care for me ....... but they don't really care what I feel nor think ...
No one understands ... no one will ...
I can never be anyone's favourite ..... and I'll never be ... because I'm different .... I'm annoying .. I'm useless ... I'm selfish ......... I'm the only one to blame .....
Even this for this post ... I wish they can read it .... but yet, I've changed everything .. the link to this blog, the name .. everything .. as I do not want them to know ... It hurts ... I'm confused ..... Let this ends .. now.
Honestly, I'm not even sure what am I doing with my life right now .. like nothing makes sense anymore. Most of the 'friends' I used to have .. now they're, to me, trying to distant themselves away from me .. or maybe it's actually the other way round.
Yes, maybe .. just maybe, I'm the one who is trying to run away from them .. because I'm an idiot who only thinks about herself and no one else. I did try to understand .. but I just couldn't.
I hate being alone sometimes, but I do feel comfortable when I'm away from people. Only when I'm alone .. guilt hunts me. When I'm alone .. memories are trying to suffocate me .. but only when I'm alone, I can be myself again .. creating another world for myself .. running away, escaping the reality. I admit, I did wish for all the attention to be on me ... but at the same time, I wish for nothing but silence.
I remember every word ... every single word .. it haunts me every night ..
I'm useless .. because I couldn't do anything .. or when I whined too much ..
I'm selfish ... because I did a mistake .. my lack of 'care' of my surrounding made me selfish ...
I'm rude ... because I tried to sound normal ... my 'self' is not accepted by anyone ... not even my family.
I did all those things .... because for once .. I wish for them to act like a 'family'. I'm jealous of everyone who chats, talks or even hangs out with their parents, siblings, bros and sisters .. I have none of that. My family .... I can't be as carefree as I wish ..
My dad understands me ... and I'm very grateful about it. Other than him ...... no one else does ..........
I tried to not feel awkward whenever I'm with them ... but they never let me be myself ... I mean, watching how close my friend is with her mom makes me jealous. They're like bestfriend to each other .... I can't even complain about a single thing, because I know they'll never understand .. How I wish I could just have at least someone .. a family member to talk to ... I need to know how it feels to be close to your own family ...
They care for me, yes ... they really care for me ....... but they don't really care what I feel nor think ...
No one understands ... no one will ...
I can never be anyone's favourite ..... and I'll never be ... because I'm different .... I'm annoying .. I'm useless ... I'm selfish ......... I'm the only one to blame .....
Even this for this post ... I wish they can read it .... but yet, I've changed everything .. the link to this blog, the name .. everything .. as I do not want them to know ... It hurts ... I'm confused ..... Let this ends .. now.
Isnin, 18 Ogos 2014
What Did They Say ?
What did they tell you ?
"She is a nice young girl."
That's a lie.
"She has a nice soft voice."
It was just an act.
"She won't hurt anyone."
No one ever planned a murder out loud.
"She looks so soft."
You missed my personality.
"Her skin is nice."
That doesn't resemble my attitude.
What did they say ?
"She doesn't deserve anyone."
Because no one is good enough to handle me.
"She has nothing to offer."
Because I'm too expensive.
"She has nothing to show."
Because that man is not my husband.
"She is just faking it."
Because I know you're too.
"She is so ugly."
Because being pretty is not an option.
"She sounds weird."
Because you don't deserve my kindness.
"I don't like."
I don't like you either.
"I can do better than her."
I don't wish to be compared with an easy girl.
"I'm smarter than her."
I don't share brain with anyone.
"She likes gay!"
Because I'm crazy enough to be someone else .. to stand on my own ground without a care. I don't need fakers to support me .. my ground is different than yours. Only those who understand this 'life' will stand next to me. Level of awesomeness *winks*
"She is gay!"
I'm always happy. Of course :)
What did they say in my absence ? What did they tell you ? Whatever they say .... you know you're a true friend when ......... --
No, I'm not going to say it here. Good night.
"She is a nice young girl."
That's a lie.
"She has a nice soft voice."
It was just an act.
"She won't hurt anyone."
No one ever planned a murder out loud.
"She looks so soft."
You missed my personality.
"Her skin is nice."
That doesn't resemble my attitude.
What did they say ?
"She doesn't deserve anyone."
Because no one is good enough to handle me.
"She has nothing to offer."
Because I'm too expensive.
"She has nothing to show."
Because that man is not my husband.
"She is just faking it."
Because I know you're too.
"She is so ugly."
Because being pretty is not an option.
"She sounds weird."
Because you don't deserve my kindness.
"I don't like."
I don't like you either.
"I can do better than her."
I don't wish to be compared with an easy girl.
"I'm smarter than her."
I don't share brain with anyone.
"She likes gay!"
Because I'm crazy enough to be someone else .. to stand on my own ground without a care. I don't need fakers to support me .. my ground is different than yours. Only those who understand this 'life' will stand next to me. Level of awesomeness *winks*
"She is gay!"
I'm always happy. Of course :)
What did they say in my absence ? What did they tell you ? Whatever they say .... you know you're a true friend when ......... --
No, I'm not going to say it here. Good night.
Jumaat, 15 Ogos 2014
Something New ..
Assalamualaikum :)
Guess I've figured it out about what I should do to this blog .. I don't feel like deleting at the moment (not even sure why .. every time I tried, every post left reminds me of my silliness and how happy I was back then), but I think I know what I'll do to it.
Alhamdulillah, I got to enter UBD this year ^^ No longer an undergraduate .. but a Uni student. Not even sure if I should be proud or just .... sit down and eat some cookies. I finally got the chance to leave home and stay in a hostel with my friends. Finally know how it feels to be away from home. Finally got the guts (ballssss) to drive on my own. Shaky, but hey, my friends are still alive when I drove them from one faculty to another, alright ? And the most important thing .. I'm alone. Yes. Literally alone. Well, I got some friends, of course, but not from my form six group.
I don't have Hajah Jung at my side, I missed her loud voice and laughter (hell no, I'm not going to tell her that). Whenever she was around, despite being few days older than me, I felt like I was babysitting a kid 10 years younger than me. No kidding. But at certain times, she was there to comfort me and pushed some balls (not literally pushing the balls) into me and made me stepped up for myself. Maa mentioned about me and friends yesterday. She asked me if I finally found any friends there. I said, yeaah .. got some friends. And then fullstop, because I seriously don't know how to continue (partly because I'm not so sure about it myself). But then she actually noticed it ... maa suddenly said, "You don't really mixed that well with them other than Farwizah, aren't you? (note : Farwizah is her real name.) You only talked about Hajah and Fafa. Unfortunately, they're not with you."
There was a long pause .. yes, I fell in deep silence right after that. Because what she said was real. It's the truth, maa. I don't think I belong with them ... My place is supposed to be right in the middle between Hajah, Fafa, Qeebah and Jiaa .. Yes. My precious girls .. these are the friends who kept my sorrow away for the last 2 years. Yet we couldn't be with each other now .. I can hardly meet them now. They came to visit me last week ..... I tried okaay ! I tried to hold it in .. I told myself that I won't cry. Hell, Yuy. You freaking cried in front of Hajah ! She freaking saw your weakness !! What the hell was that for ?? Anyway, I didn't know what to say ... I feel bad. I didn't have anything to thank them properly. But I promise one thing and I won't say it here :) I hope Hajah will make it this time .. in another institute .. as long as I know she is still going forward and not giving up.
Yes, when maa said it. I thought I've forgotten how to talk again. The words stuck in my throat for seconds before I could reply to her. Yes, maa ... I missed them. They make me realized how much I should value my friends. They came all the way from KB to Core (the place where I'm staying right now) just to see me .. and I don't have anything to give them ! My life standard has reduced 82% ! -- BEGGAR ! :'(
I missed Fafa .. she used to whine a lot about things and she still does. heehee ! I don't mind .. it makes me feel like an older sister to her. An older sis with a huuuge responsibility. The kid is going to sit for her A Level exam this year .. all the best for her. Please pray for my little princess here too, alright ? She has suffered a lot lately. Craps happened again and again; it makes me worried that she would collapsed ... but I know she is as strong as hell, and those freaking shits can't easily knock her down. You craps better stop messing with my friend ... or I'll curse you. Trust me, I won't hesitate to curse anyone who pissed me off beyond my limit. Anyway, she told me that she cried while studying .... I actually smiled when I read it. Sorry, Faa ! I was mocking you or anything, little one. But you reminded me so much of what happened to me last year. Yes, I cried too. Harder than you .. the only difference is .... no one knew. No one knew how much I've suffered last year. I almost drowned in my own misery and yet no one knew. They thought I was doing fine, Faa. They thought I was okaay .. when my only thought was to end everything that night. I almost gave up .. but I then realized that .. I don't want to go without hopes. So I stayed ... and tried. I forced the shit out of myself and pushed my brain close to its breaking point ... I really did.
So, Faa ... don't worry. It's normal to cry. It's normal for you to stress up sometimes, but remember to rest too. Remember to relax for a while (don't go relax forever !). Remember to ear. Remember to sleep. Remember that you still have a long journey a head of you. If you gave up now .... how the hell am I supposed to see you in UBD ? We promise to see each other and hang out again in Bandar, right ? I'll wait for you girls .. I'll wait for Hajah, I'll wait for Qeebah, I'll wait for Jiaa ... and I definitely will wait for you too. I will wait for you girls all the way in Bandar ... I met and held each other grounds in form six, and now, I don't see any reasons for us to let go. So I will wait .. just promise me you girls won't give up. Fine a reason to continue. Faa, I know it's hard now ... but it will be harder if you don't try. Do your best, Faa. You can do better than us. Better than me. I believe in that. :)
Qeebah ... my little panda ^^ Yes, I call her panda. I remember how she used to panic whenever something was up, and how hard-working she was back then. I just hope she still continues to work hard now too. I don't want to see any of my friends giving up on something that they know they can own if they tried harder. Qeebah keeps on saying that I'm lucky to finally be able to enter Uni. All I could do was smiled at her .. I really wanted to tell her that I almost had a mental breakdown (CL's song playing at the back). I wanted to tell her I'm suffering all alone now. I wanted to tell her how uncomfortable I am among the people I don't even know ! I may seem 'lucky' in her eyes .... but I see her as a girl full with potential. A hard working girl who doesn't know when to give up. Hopefully, that's not just my imagination, Qeeb :) I know you're a stubborn girl who will try anything just to reach that certain level. It's not easy, Qeeb. It's not as easy as it looks .. I don't enjoy this. Did I look like I'm actually enjoying it ? I enjoyed my life as a Uni student, yes. But I suffered from the feelings that I've locked inside. So, Qeebah .. my one and only panda partner .. Don't tell me how lucky I am. Don't tell me how I should be happy now. Don't tell me that you can't do it. No. I won't listen to you .. I will look away and pretend that I didn't hear anything ..because I don't want to hear those lies. I know you can do it too ... you've put yourself in a very crazy situation before ... and now I want to see it again. The Qeebah who never stops writing, and never stops trying. I want to see you girls again .. I seriously do. I know you can make it too .. :)
Jiaa ... I'm not sure where you are right now. Why do I feel like you're trying to hide away from me ?? Don't you missed me ?? How could you ?!! If she was here, I can guarantee she would have sent her fist flying right to my face. Kekeke ! Jiaa .. I know you're not giving up on studying just yet. I know you're just trying to find some extra money so you can support your studies without burdening your parents. ..if only you know, Jiaa ... how much I'm proud of you. You may not believe this ... but yes, since the first time we met .. I know you'll be different. I've never had a Chinese best friend before .. but then I met you. You know most of my stories, my secrets, my weakness ... and you're still there for me. You gave me advice, you gave me tips ... I don't know how I would continue without you. Do you know how it feels to see others with their own best friend ? To see them being comforted by their best friend while I'm alone trying to mend my own wounds ? ..but Jiaa, do you know that for some reason, I just wish we would take Sociology class again together. With you almost falling asleep and all .. and your pissed off face whenever something annoyed you. Your jokes .. and silliness .. I missed all those things about you. Whenever I see a group of Chinese students ... I really want to text you and all, but then I know how you sometimes feel overly exhausted from work, I don't want to bother my little friend here. heehee ! Have you been well, dude ? Are you working hard ? You better. Don't go escape2 aa .. I'll report to your boss. haahaahaa ! Just promise me you won't give up on studying .. I know you can better than before. I know you're tried. Dude, I was tired too okaay ?! You know how I almost lost my mind while writing those freaking hella notes ! ...so if I could survive through out all those madness .. I know you can too. Thank you, Jiaa. I couldn't find a perfect time to thank you properly .. I know you've heard more than you should. Thank you so much .. for not using it against me. Thank you, Jijii (ohoho ! I feel a bit daring right now). Even if I've to wait for another 5 years ... then I will wait for you for another 5 years to come. I will wait.
Jung .. Hajah .. Farwizah .. My one and only Jung. A girl who knows what she wants and will always try to reach it. Jaah, we will meet again in Bandar :) It doesn't matter to which institute you will enter. LBC ? KEMUDA ? KUPUSB ? I don't need to know that .. as long as I know you're doing well. You will have Bibi there, right ? You will find a new friend too .. you don't have to worry about me anymore. Just remember to update me with all the things you'll be doing. I've been best friend since we were kids .. young, crazy, wild and naughty kids who had caused a lot of troubles to the teachers. And I bet some of our classmates hated us for it. But I don't mind ... they can hate me all the want .. I know you're the only friend I can rely on. Juung .. do you know how lonely I felt ? Well ..I feel lonely without your loud voice and cheerful laughter. I used to joke around saying that you're too loud and things ... but truth is, it made me feel comfortable. You know me more than anyone else. You know what I hate and love, yet you still go with the flow and join the conversation. We talk about things that others couldn't accept, that if they knew about it, they would be puking their dinner by now. But you laughed at me when I told you about it and still continued to converse about that 'topic'. You didn't see it as weird .. you laughed at it .. and you're still my best friend. Right until today. I don't want you to feel different just because you're not in UBD. Who the hell said those who entered UBD will have a good life ? Fuck those people, they are no God who handle other's faith ! Allah knows better .. He knows our journey .. He knows how hard we've tried. So He will settle everything for you .. as long as you don't turn away from Him. Try, jaah ... look for new friends if you must. It's probably easier for you to make new friends .. with those friendly gesture and personality .. you will have a new group of friends in no time. Just promise me you won't get too 'bounded' to them that you forget your studies. Study hard .. even without us by your side. All the best for you, Jaah .. :)
My other childhood best friend .. Amera Nazuha .. or Naz. Where are you ? I missed you :( Sorry we rarely talk to each other lately. I know you're busy and all .. I just hope you're doing well with your studies too :) Just like the others .... I know you won't give up just yet. Remember that Infinite is still in KOREA and you need to SEE THEM ! YOU NEED TO MEET THEM ! In order of you to do that .... you need money. Money, you can only earn them if you have good occupation. Good occupation will only be offered if you have good knowledge ... :) So let's study and break our skulls for once .. for us to get that knowledge and money (skip the working part. kekeke !) and we will meet our idols too one day. ^^ I'll try my best for this UBD too ... I must get that chance to travel to Korea. Just like how you, me and Hajah always wished for, remember ? Heehee. Study well, Naz. Remember to relax too ... by relax, I mean rest and enough sleep. Don't go for a long relax, alright ?? You can only relax when you've fulfilled your duty as a human, a daughter and maybe a wife and a mother :) kekeke !
I know that one day .. I will be forgotten too just like the others. Slowly, and bit by bit .. I will disappear from my friends' lives .. My name will no longer be said. My face will no longer be remembered by them. My voice will never be heard. But before that moment comes ... I just want to wish all my friends, sisters and best friends the best of luck. And may they have a brighter future ahead. For all the lies I've spoken .. please forgive me. For all the times that I've made you worried, mad, sad, disappointed, down ... please forgive me. For all the harsh words I've said to you .. please forgive me. It means nothing but words .. One day, you will forget about me, my dear friends .... but I promise I won't forget you. :) One day, I won't be there to support you again .... but I know Allah will always be with you. You're like a family to me .. a family who doesn't care about my flaws and still accept me though I'm odd. A beautiful family that I know everyone had wished to have one ... and thank you so much for your time. I'm sorry .. for everything I've missed. For everything I've done .. for everything I've said ... May Allah be with you in our journey. Erase me off your memory if you must ... as long as I know that you're doing well. Just like the others ... I'm just a human; a human with a beginning and an ending ..
Allah have sent me you girls to teach me lessons and loves ... may one day, Allah will guide you too. To a better place than where you're standing right now. Good night, my stars ... Good night .. and sweet dreams.
SINCERELY,
- A SOULLESS GIRL -
Guess I've figured it out about what I should do to this blog .. I don't feel like deleting at the moment (not even sure why .. every time I tried, every post left reminds me of my silliness and how happy I was back then), but I think I know what I'll do to it.
Alhamdulillah, I got to enter UBD this year ^^ No longer an undergraduate .. but a Uni student. Not even sure if I should be proud or just .... sit down and eat some cookies. I finally got the chance to leave home and stay in a hostel with my friends. Finally know how it feels to be away from home. Finally got the guts (ballssss) to drive on my own. Shaky, but hey, my friends are still alive when I drove them from one faculty to another, alright ? And the most important thing .. I'm alone. Yes. Literally alone. Well, I got some friends, of course, but not from my form six group.
I don't have Hajah Jung at my side, I missed her loud voice and laughter (hell no, I'm not going to tell her that). Whenever she was around, despite being few days older than me, I felt like I was babysitting a kid 10 years younger than me. No kidding. But at certain times, she was there to comfort me and pushed some balls (not literally pushing the balls) into me and made me stepped up for myself. Maa mentioned about me and friends yesterday. She asked me if I finally found any friends there. I said, yeaah .. got some friends. And then fullstop, because I seriously don't know how to continue (partly because I'm not so sure about it myself). But then she actually noticed it ... maa suddenly said, "You don't really mixed that well with them other than Farwizah, aren't you? (note : Farwizah is her real name.) You only talked about Hajah and Fafa. Unfortunately, they're not with you."
There was a long pause .. yes, I fell in deep silence right after that. Because what she said was real. It's the truth, maa. I don't think I belong with them ... My place is supposed to be right in the middle between Hajah, Fafa, Qeebah and Jiaa .. Yes. My precious girls .. these are the friends who kept my sorrow away for the last 2 years. Yet we couldn't be with each other now .. I can hardly meet them now. They came to visit me last week ..... I tried okaay ! I tried to hold it in .. I told myself that I won't cry. Hell, Yuy. You freaking cried in front of Hajah ! She freaking saw your weakness !! What the hell was that for ?? Anyway, I didn't know what to say ... I feel bad. I didn't have anything to thank them properly. But I promise one thing and I won't say it here :) I hope Hajah will make it this time .. in another institute .. as long as I know she is still going forward and not giving up.
Yes, when maa said it. I thought I've forgotten how to talk again. The words stuck in my throat for seconds before I could reply to her. Yes, maa ... I missed them. They make me realized how much I should value my friends. They came all the way from KB to Core (the place where I'm staying right now) just to see me .. and I don't have anything to give them ! My life standard has reduced 82% ! -- BEGGAR ! :'(
I missed Fafa .. she used to whine a lot about things and she still does. heehee ! I don't mind .. it makes me feel like an older sister to her. An older sis with a huuuge responsibility. The kid is going to sit for her A Level exam this year .. all the best for her. Please pray for my little princess here too, alright ? She has suffered a lot lately. Craps happened again and again; it makes me worried that she would collapsed ... but I know she is as strong as hell, and those freaking shits can't easily knock her down. You craps better stop messing with my friend ... or I'll curse you. Trust me, I won't hesitate to curse anyone who pissed me off beyond my limit. Anyway, she told me that she cried while studying .... I actually smiled when I read it. Sorry, Faa ! I was mocking you or anything, little one. But you reminded me so much of what happened to me last year. Yes, I cried too. Harder than you .. the only difference is .... no one knew. No one knew how much I've suffered last year. I almost drowned in my own misery and yet no one knew. They thought I was doing fine, Faa. They thought I was okaay .. when my only thought was to end everything that night. I almost gave up .. but I then realized that .. I don't want to go without hopes. So I stayed ... and tried. I forced the shit out of myself and pushed my brain close to its breaking point ... I really did.
So, Faa ... don't worry. It's normal to cry. It's normal for you to stress up sometimes, but remember to rest too. Remember to relax for a while (don't go relax forever !). Remember to ear. Remember to sleep. Remember that you still have a long journey a head of you. If you gave up now .... how the hell am I supposed to see you in UBD ? We promise to see each other and hang out again in Bandar, right ? I'll wait for you girls .. I'll wait for Hajah, I'll wait for Qeebah, I'll wait for Jiaa ... and I definitely will wait for you too. I will wait for you girls all the way in Bandar ... I met and held each other grounds in form six, and now, I don't see any reasons for us to let go. So I will wait .. just promise me you girls won't give up. Fine a reason to continue. Faa, I know it's hard now ... but it will be harder if you don't try. Do your best, Faa. You can do better than us. Better than me. I believe in that. :)
Qeebah ... my little panda ^^ Yes, I call her panda. I remember how she used to panic whenever something was up, and how hard-working she was back then. I just hope she still continues to work hard now too. I don't want to see any of my friends giving up on something that they know they can own if they tried harder. Qeebah keeps on saying that I'm lucky to finally be able to enter Uni. All I could do was smiled at her .. I really wanted to tell her that I almost had a mental breakdown (CL's song playing at the back). I wanted to tell her I'm suffering all alone now. I wanted to tell her how uncomfortable I am among the people I don't even know ! I may seem 'lucky' in her eyes .... but I see her as a girl full with potential. A hard working girl who doesn't know when to give up. Hopefully, that's not just my imagination, Qeeb :) I know you're a stubborn girl who will try anything just to reach that certain level. It's not easy, Qeeb. It's not as easy as it looks .. I don't enjoy this. Did I look like I'm actually enjoying it ? I enjoyed my life as a Uni student, yes. But I suffered from the feelings that I've locked inside. So, Qeebah .. my one and only panda partner .. Don't tell me how lucky I am. Don't tell me how I should be happy now. Don't tell me that you can't do it. No. I won't listen to you .. I will look away and pretend that I didn't hear anything ..because I don't want to hear those lies. I know you can do it too ... you've put yourself in a very crazy situation before ... and now I want to see it again. The Qeebah who never stops writing, and never stops trying. I want to see you girls again .. I seriously do. I know you can make it too .. :)
Jiaa ... I'm not sure where you are right now. Why do I feel like you're trying to hide away from me ?? Don't you missed me ?? How could you ?!! If she was here, I can guarantee she would have sent her fist flying right to my face. Kekeke ! Jiaa .. I know you're not giving up on studying just yet. I know you're just trying to find some extra money so you can support your studies without burdening your parents. ..if only you know, Jiaa ... how much I'm proud of you. You may not believe this ... but yes, since the first time we met .. I know you'll be different. I've never had a Chinese best friend before .. but then I met you. You know most of my stories, my secrets, my weakness ... and you're still there for me. You gave me advice, you gave me tips ... I don't know how I would continue without you. Do you know how it feels to see others with their own best friend ? To see them being comforted by their best friend while I'm alone trying to mend my own wounds ? ..but Jiaa, do you know that for some reason, I just wish we would take Sociology class again together. With you almost falling asleep and all .. and your pissed off face whenever something annoyed you. Your jokes .. and silliness .. I missed all those things about you. Whenever I see a group of Chinese students ... I really want to text you and all, but then I know how you sometimes feel overly exhausted from work, I don't want to bother my little friend here. heehee ! Have you been well, dude ? Are you working hard ? You better. Don't go escape2 aa .. I'll report to your boss. haahaahaa ! Just promise me you won't give up on studying .. I know you can better than before. I know you're tried. Dude, I was tired too okaay ?! You know how I almost lost my mind while writing those freaking hella notes ! ...so if I could survive through out all those madness .. I know you can too. Thank you, Jiaa. I couldn't find a perfect time to thank you properly .. I know you've heard more than you should. Thank you so much .. for not using it against me. Thank you, Jijii (ohoho ! I feel a bit daring right now). Even if I've to wait for another 5 years ... then I will wait for you for another 5 years to come. I will wait.
Jung .. Hajah .. Farwizah .. My one and only Jung. A girl who knows what she wants and will always try to reach it. Jaah, we will meet again in Bandar :) It doesn't matter to which institute you will enter. LBC ? KEMUDA ? KUPUSB ? I don't need to know that .. as long as I know you're doing well. You will have Bibi there, right ? You will find a new friend too .. you don't have to worry about me anymore. Just remember to update me with all the things you'll be doing. I've been best friend since we were kids .. young, crazy, wild and naughty kids who had caused a lot of troubles to the teachers. And I bet some of our classmates hated us for it. But I don't mind ... they can hate me all the want .. I know you're the only friend I can rely on. Juung .. do you know how lonely I felt ? Well ..I feel lonely without your loud voice and cheerful laughter. I used to joke around saying that you're too loud and things ... but truth is, it made me feel comfortable. You know me more than anyone else. You know what I hate and love, yet you still go with the flow and join the conversation. We talk about things that others couldn't accept, that if they knew about it, they would be puking their dinner by now. But you laughed at me when I told you about it and still continued to converse about that 'topic'. You didn't see it as weird .. you laughed at it .. and you're still my best friend. Right until today. I don't want you to feel different just because you're not in UBD. Who the hell said those who entered UBD will have a good life ? Fuck those people, they are no God who handle other's faith ! Allah knows better .. He knows our journey .. He knows how hard we've tried. So He will settle everything for you .. as long as you don't turn away from Him. Try, jaah ... look for new friends if you must. It's probably easier for you to make new friends .. with those friendly gesture and personality .. you will have a new group of friends in no time. Just promise me you won't get too 'bounded' to them that you forget your studies. Study hard .. even without us by your side. All the best for you, Jaah .. :)
My other childhood best friend .. Amera Nazuha .. or Naz. Where are you ? I missed you :( Sorry we rarely talk to each other lately. I know you're busy and all .. I just hope you're doing well with your studies too :) Just like the others .... I know you won't give up just yet. Remember that Infinite is still in KOREA and you need to SEE THEM ! YOU NEED TO MEET THEM ! In order of you to do that .... you need money. Money, you can only earn them if you have good occupation. Good occupation will only be offered if you have good knowledge ... :) So let's study and break our skulls for once .. for us to get that knowledge and money (skip the working part. kekeke !) and we will meet our idols too one day. ^^ I'll try my best for this UBD too ... I must get that chance to travel to Korea. Just like how you, me and Hajah always wished for, remember ? Heehee. Study well, Naz. Remember to relax too ... by relax, I mean rest and enough sleep. Don't go for a long relax, alright ?? You can only relax when you've fulfilled your duty as a human, a daughter and maybe a wife and a mother :) kekeke !
I know that one day .. I will be forgotten too just like the others. Slowly, and bit by bit .. I will disappear from my friends' lives .. My name will no longer be said. My face will no longer be remembered by them. My voice will never be heard. But before that moment comes ... I just want to wish all my friends, sisters and best friends the best of luck. And may they have a brighter future ahead. For all the lies I've spoken .. please forgive me. For all the times that I've made you worried, mad, sad, disappointed, down ... please forgive me. For all the harsh words I've said to you .. please forgive me. It means nothing but words .. One day, you will forget about me, my dear friends .... but I promise I won't forget you. :) One day, I won't be there to support you again .... but I know Allah will always be with you. You're like a family to me .. a family who doesn't care about my flaws and still accept me though I'm odd. A beautiful family that I know everyone had wished to have one ... and thank you so much for your time. I'm sorry .. for everything I've missed. For everything I've done .. for everything I've said ... May Allah be with you in our journey. Erase me off your memory if you must ... as long as I know that you're doing well. Just like the others ... I'm just a human; a human with a beginning and an ending ..
Allah have sent me you girls to teach me lessons and loves ... may one day, Allah will guide you too. To a better place than where you're standing right now. Good night, my stars ... Good night .. and sweet dreams.
SINCERELY,
- A SOULLESS GIRL -
Ahad, 26 Januari 2014
Post
Heyy, guys.
It has been long since I updated this blog, right ? Sorry ^^ but .. who am I apologizing to anyway ? Haahaahaa ! I'm alone in here. No one here. So .. why the hell am I sorry for ? I'm sorry for my life. :)
I'm sorry for being me. I'm not a great person. I'm not as 'well-known' as some people thought I would. I'm just part of the society. Though I wish I wasn't one of the complicated humans ... what power do I have to stop myself from turning into one of them ? I just I could be someone whom people will look upon at, someone whom people will worry if I'm not around. I know I'm being selfish again, but who I am to stop all these things from happening ? For once, let me be selfish.
I understand how everything that had happened ... is basically my fault. I know. You don't have to list them down and slap it across my face. I know how pitiful my life is. But all I can do is to switch off the world and put my headphone on .. music full blast .. let me drown in my own 'world'. I don't belong anywhere ... I thought I would be useful to someone ....... but I guess I just got my hope too high again. I didn't want to let it go, but I did. I got hurt in the end ... severely in pain. Too bad the pain wasn't bad enough to kill me right on the spot.
Depression ? I'm not sure myself. Is it really depression that forced me to write all these ? Is it depression ? Haahaahaa ! I don't even know. I'm sorry for all the messages from you guys that I left without replying. Things happened, and I forget something easily too. I wanted to reply all of those messages, private messages, tweets, WA messages. I really wanted too .... but I don't want you guys to know my situation during that time. I need time to heal myself .. of course, I don't wish you guys to know what kind of 'injuries' or 'illness' that I was suffering from. (not that you guys would bother about it anyway haahaahaa !)
I just wish everything would be .......... just like before. Sometimes I wish I shouldn't have done it. I wish I didn't meet them .... I wish ...... I wish everything would be ........ different. Or at least, I wish for one ...... for at least one person to notice me. I don't want to be the third person in everything. I'm not a tool .. I want you to rely on me too. I want you to see me how you see them. .......I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for this post. I'm sorry for my flaws .. for all the lies .. for everything. I'm so sorry ...... but please.. please ........ if you don't need me anymore ........ please, erase me completely out of your life. It hurts to know that those people who I thought would need me as much as I need them actually don't see how important my existence is.
I'm sorry if I ever pushed you away .. sorry for not replying your messages (though I keep on telling you guys to resend me the message, just in case I didn't see it before.) I'm sorry .... for existing.
Maybe .... maybe this will be the last post for this blog. Thank you everyone, for those who have stayed. Thank you so much for teaching me how to create a blog. Of course, I remember everything. From the very first time. That immature little girl who just learned how to use a blog. Haahaahaa ! That idiot never change :) I remember how people talk about me ... asking me why I'm using Malaysian language instead of Bruneian. ....heck, what's wrong with using other language anyway ? I can't see your point in it. It's not like you don't understand Malaysian, right ? I just wanted to use Malaysian instead of Bruneian language .. no reason. I remember how my they said my e-mail is weird ... my language is weird .. my blog is weird. They don't understand a single thing about what I've written in my blog ..... who the hell told you to read my blog at the first place ? Haahaahaa ! I never said you can read it. :) In fact ... I don't want you to read it. I remember how I used to have a fight in this blog. Stupid me. OTL kekeke
I remember everything. They criticize me for everything, and I don't understand why. But I found a reason why I should hate people. :) They never have the intention to leave me alone ..... just to humiliate me once again ^^ Are you satisfied now ? Are you dancing to your victory dance now as you read this post ? haahaahaa ! Don't worry. I can't see it anyway. Sometimes I hope people will mention my name .... will actually remember me. But again ... how am I for people to remember ? I'm barely a person .... I'm solid (obviously) alright ..... but I'm just a shadow. I remember .... how they try to drag me down as I talked about things that should be 'adult-only' topics ... I didn't mention anything about 'beds' or 'ropes', dude. I just talked about 'love' ........ what ? They thought I was a kid before ............. dude, you don't know what you're talking about. haaahaahaa ! I remember .. whenever I updated my blog before ... they would make fun about it. ..what should I do ? I'm a kid to you guys, right ? So don't bother about my life anymore :) I don't need you ...... just like how I'm unneeded to you.
Remember I used to write a novel before ? Yeah, a Malay novel. ^^ ..it's a hobby. I wanted to be a writer, but I'm not creative enough kekeke ^^ Whenever I started to write the continuation for the next chapter ... I always thought .. 'hey, this is better' .. because I was too far away from the reality, so it felt amazing.
Thank you for those people who taught me how to create a blog, thank you for the one person who introduced me to 'what is a blog ?' .. thank you so much :) I don't feel like mentioning any names haahaahaa ! Why ? Because I know some will be like, "Why didn't she write down my name too ?! I'm one of them !" Nope .. nope. I'm too tired to entertain people right now. haahaahaa ! Kidding. I don't want you guys to feel left out if I accidentally forgot to mention you. I just hope those people will know how they are without me stating their names here. (Please spare me .. I'm exhausted) Let's not feel left out anymore, okay ? I'm not talking about me.. I'm talking about you guys. Just realize how important you are to someone though you thought you're not. I know how people are trying to ignore me .. but I never say a thing ^^ Why ? it's better that way. I have no reason to hold onto them, and they have no reason to stay anymore. I'm letting you guys go ^^
People can say bad stuffs about me .. they can say how 'ugly I am' or how 'ugly my voice is' .. I know. I hate myself too. haahaahaa ! But that doesn't make you any better. You might think that you're one of the best people since people are giving their attention to you. ....but girl, listen....you're lower than any shits that I've dealt with. I never said my voice was as angelic as any idols. I never said our dance moves are the best .. nope. I just like to stand on the stage, and dance with my friends. And no ... I don't need your opinion at all. I forgive you, don't worry. From the bottom of my heart .. I've forgiven you. I pity your life though. I can't imagine myself being in your shoes. You never know how good it is to have people who love you because they really do love you. You will never understand how great it feels to be yourself .. no dramas, no acting, no fake tears, no backstabbing missions. Oh God, I don't wish to trade my life with anything in this world. Alhamdulillah, because of your foul actions, I learn to keep myself at peace .. so I won't have the label 'fake bitch' stapled to my forehead :) Anyway, of course ... all your sins are forgiven .... but I'll keep everything in mind. Just in case some of your plastic army suddenly appear from nowhere and act like an innocent little angel with puppy eyes.
Once again ... I'm sorry and thank you. I know I've changed a lot lately. Got more busy and more distant ... what can I do ? I don't feel people will need me even if I stayed .. I feel bad for myself, so I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'll see what I'll to this blog in the future. Maybe I'll just delete it. It's getting boring anyway. Nothing works anymore. I don't know what the hell happened to my playlist .... nor my chatbox. haahaahaa ! What a weird blog. Blog, did you just eat up all the things I put up here ? Aiyaa... don't be like that. kekeke !
For those people who I really wish they would care for me too ..... Thank you so much ... I'm sorry .. Please take care. And good bye .
:: sincerely, me. (THE SOULLESS GIRL) ::
It has been long since I updated this blog, right ? Sorry ^^ but .. who am I apologizing to anyway ? Haahaahaa ! I'm alone in here. No one here. So .. why the hell am I sorry for ? I'm sorry for my life. :)
I'm sorry for being me. I'm not a great person. I'm not as 'well-known' as some people thought I would. I'm just part of the society. Though I wish I wasn't one of the complicated humans ... what power do I have to stop myself from turning into one of them ? I just I could be someone whom people will look upon at, someone whom people will worry if I'm not around. I know I'm being selfish again, but who I am to stop all these things from happening ? For once, let me be selfish.
I understand how everything that had happened ... is basically my fault. I know. You don't have to list them down and slap it across my face. I know how pitiful my life is. But all I can do is to switch off the world and put my headphone on .. music full blast .. let me drown in my own 'world'. I don't belong anywhere ... I thought I would be useful to someone ....... but I guess I just got my hope too high again. I didn't want to let it go, but I did. I got hurt in the end ... severely in pain. Too bad the pain wasn't bad enough to kill me right on the spot.
Depression ? I'm not sure myself. Is it really depression that forced me to write all these ? Is it depression ? Haahaahaa ! I don't even know. I'm sorry for all the messages from you guys that I left without replying. Things happened, and I forget something easily too. I wanted to reply all of those messages, private messages, tweets, WA messages. I really wanted too .... but I don't want you guys to know my situation during that time. I need time to heal myself .. of course, I don't wish you guys to know what kind of 'injuries' or 'illness' that I was suffering from. (not that you guys would bother about it anyway haahaahaa !)
I just wish everything would be .......... just like before. Sometimes I wish I shouldn't have done it. I wish I didn't meet them .... I wish ...... I wish everything would be ........ different. Or at least, I wish for one ...... for at least one person to notice me. I don't want to be the third person in everything. I'm not a tool .. I want you to rely on me too. I want you to see me how you see them. .......I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for this post. I'm sorry for my flaws .. for all the lies .. for everything. I'm so sorry ...... but please.. please ........ if you don't need me anymore ........ please, erase me completely out of your life. It hurts to know that those people who I thought would need me as much as I need them actually don't see how important my existence is.
I'm sorry if I ever pushed you away .. sorry for not replying your messages (though I keep on telling you guys to resend me the message, just in case I didn't see it before.) I'm sorry .... for existing.
Maybe .... maybe this will be the last post for this blog. Thank you everyone, for those who have stayed. Thank you so much for teaching me how to create a blog. Of course, I remember everything. From the very first time. That immature little girl who just learned how to use a blog. Haahaahaa ! That idiot never change :) I remember how people talk about me ... asking me why I'm using Malaysian language instead of Bruneian. ....heck, what's wrong with using other language anyway ? I can't see your point in it. It's not like you don't understand Malaysian, right ? I just wanted to use Malaysian instead of Bruneian language .. no reason. I remember how my they said my e-mail is weird ... my language is weird .. my blog is weird. They don't understand a single thing about what I've written in my blog ..... who the hell told you to read my blog at the first place ? Haahaahaa ! I never said you can read it. :) In fact ... I don't want you to read it. I remember how I used to have a fight in this blog. Stupid me. OTL kekeke
I remember everything. They criticize me for everything, and I don't understand why. But I found a reason why I should hate people. :) They never have the intention to leave me alone ..... just to humiliate me once again ^^ Are you satisfied now ? Are you dancing to your victory dance now as you read this post ? haahaahaa ! Don't worry. I can't see it anyway. Sometimes I hope people will mention my name .... will actually remember me. But again ... how am I for people to remember ? I'm barely a person .... I'm solid (obviously) alright ..... but I'm just a shadow. I remember .... how they try to drag me down as I talked about things that should be 'adult-only' topics ... I didn't mention anything about 'beds' or 'ropes', dude. I just talked about 'love' ........ what ? They thought I was a kid before ............. dude, you don't know what you're talking about. haaahaahaa ! I remember .. whenever I updated my blog before ... they would make fun about it. ..what should I do ? I'm a kid to you guys, right ? So don't bother about my life anymore :) I don't need you ...... just like how I'm unneeded to you.
Remember I used to write a novel before ? Yeah, a Malay novel. ^^ ..it's a hobby. I wanted to be a writer, but I'm not creative enough kekeke ^^ Whenever I started to write the continuation for the next chapter ... I always thought .. 'hey, this is better' .. because I was too far away from the reality, so it felt amazing.
Thank you for those people who taught me how to create a blog, thank you for the one person who introduced me to 'what is a blog ?' .. thank you so much :) I don't feel like mentioning any names haahaahaa ! Why ? Because I know some will be like, "Why didn't she write down my name too ?! I'm one of them !" Nope .. nope. I'm too tired to entertain people right now. haahaahaa ! Kidding. I don't want you guys to feel left out if I accidentally forgot to mention you. I just hope those people will know how they are without me stating their names here. (Please spare me .. I'm exhausted) Let's not feel left out anymore, okay ? I'm not talking about me.. I'm talking about you guys. Just realize how important you are to someone though you thought you're not. I know how people are trying to ignore me .. but I never say a thing ^^ Why ? it's better that way. I have no reason to hold onto them, and they have no reason to stay anymore. I'm letting you guys go ^^
People can say bad stuffs about me .. they can say how 'ugly I am' or how 'ugly my voice is' .. I know. I hate myself too. haahaahaa ! But that doesn't make you any better. You might think that you're one of the best people since people are giving their attention to you. ....but girl, listen....you're lower than any shits that I've dealt with. I never said my voice was as angelic as any idols. I never said our dance moves are the best .. nope. I just like to stand on the stage, and dance with my friends. And no ... I don't need your opinion at all. I forgive you, don't worry. From the bottom of my heart .. I've forgiven you. I pity your life though. I can't imagine myself being in your shoes. You never know how good it is to have people who love you because they really do love you. You will never understand how great it feels to be yourself .. no dramas, no acting, no fake tears, no backstabbing missions. Oh God, I don't wish to trade my life with anything in this world. Alhamdulillah, because of your foul actions, I learn to keep myself at peace .. so I won't have the label 'fake bitch' stapled to my forehead :) Anyway, of course ... all your sins are forgiven .... but I'll keep everything in mind. Just in case some of your plastic army suddenly appear from nowhere and act like an innocent little angel with puppy eyes.
Once again ... I'm sorry and thank you. I know I've changed a lot lately. Got more busy and more distant ... what can I do ? I don't feel people will need me even if I stayed .. I feel bad for myself, so I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'll see what I'll to this blog in the future. Maybe I'll just delete it. It's getting boring anyway. Nothing works anymore. I don't know what the hell happened to my playlist .... nor my chatbox. haahaahaa ! What a weird blog. Blog, did you just eat up all the things I put up here ? Aiyaa... don't be like that. kekeke !
For those people who I really wish they would care for me too ..... Thank you so much ... I'm sorry .. Please take care. And good bye .
:: sincerely, me. (THE SOULLESS GIRL) ::
Ahad, 31 Mac 2013
Opss..
Helwwww ! Assalamualaikum ! Annyeonghasaeyo !
Tak tau laa nak buat ape skang.....nak senyum ke, nak menangis ke........atau bersyukur ? Bersyukur tue mmg wajib laa ekk.. heehee. Untuk dia..heyyy ! Syukur Alhamdulillah...kehendak Allah. Tgh searching2 nama kedai.....tetibe terserempak nama die. ..Opss....rezeki ? haahaahaa !
Okay, fine ! Sbab gatal sgt nak tau background cik 'abang' sorg niee.......click jer laa. Tengok2..........laa....adik aku ker ?!! Haahaahaahaa ! Darn, I'm old !! I'm old !!! Nie bukan cik 'abang'....nie cik 'adik' namo eyhh ! OTL
Tergelak sket. Takpe laa...kalo yg bukan milik kite tuee, rela kn ajer laa. Takpe laa, dik. Akak (waahaahaahaahaa !!) redha yg akak niee......mmg tua dri adik. Ceh ! Tua xsmpai setaon pon ! Tpi still adik jugak niee...... Senyum jer laa, Yuy. Senyum.......sekurang2nya kau dh tau, kn ?
Okay laa...nak sambung menghadap buku ! Annyeong !!
KAK ILAH ! Akk, die adik fyqah laa, kak. haahaahahaaa !! *ROFL*
Tak tau laa nak buat ape skang.....nak senyum ke, nak menangis ke........atau bersyukur ? Bersyukur tue mmg wajib laa ekk.. heehee. Untuk dia..heyyy ! Syukur Alhamdulillah...kehendak Allah. Tgh searching2 nama kedai.....tetibe terserempak nama die. ..Opss....rezeki ? haahaahaa !
Okay, fine ! Sbab gatal sgt nak tau background cik 'abang' sorg niee.......click jer laa. Tengok2..........laa....adik aku ker ?!! Haahaahaahaa ! Darn, I'm old !! I'm old !!! Nie bukan cik 'abang'....nie cik 'adik' namo eyhh ! OTL
Tergelak sket. Takpe laa...kalo yg bukan milik kite tuee, rela kn ajer laa. Takpe laa, dik. Akak (waahaahaahaahaa !!) redha yg akak niee......mmg tua dri adik. Ceh ! Tua xsmpai setaon pon ! Tpi still adik jugak niee...... Senyum jer laa, Yuy. Senyum.......sekurang2nya kau dh tau, kn ?
Okay laa...nak sambung menghadap buku ! Annyeong !!
KAK ILAH ! Akk, die adik fyqah laa, kak. haahaahahaaa !! *ROFL*
Jumaat, 22 Februari 2013
Untuk Dia.. heyy !
Bismillahirohmanirrohim..
[Helww ! Assalamualaikum ! Annyeonghasaeyo ! Gatal pulak tangan nie nak tulis surat...]
Untuk si dia tuee..... .....teragak2 nak cakap niee, tapi harap kita dapat jadi kwn ekk ? Jadi kawan pon kira alhamdulillah gak. Sebab, awak tuee popular sgt laa.. Saya sendiri pon takut nak tegur. Takut kena serang ngan peminat2 awak tuee pulak.. Alaa..setakat peminat awak tuee, saya xde laa kesah sangat.. Sebab kalo dari segi keganasan, saya mmg banyak pengelaman.. Tapi saya janji nak jadi budak baik. Jadi tak boleh laa. Sorry, sebab saya tak boleh tgk muka awak ngan clear, sebab saya tak suka pakai specs. Saya mmg laa nak pakai, tapi skali saya tgk kat cermin...... Ya Rabbi, ingatkn nenek kebayan mana tdi. Terkejut saya tgk. Jadi saya tak pakai laa.
Awak....mesti baik org nyaa kan ? Sebab tuee awak ramai peminat. Mesti awak pndai jaga hati diorg kan ? Best laa diorg dapat kawan mcm awak.. Hati saya dah lama kosong.. takde laa kosong sangat sebab saya ada Allah kat hati. Tapi saya rindu sangat nak gurau2 manja ngan seorang sahabat.... Dia dah lama pergi, awak. Tapi saya redha..sebab saya tau dia tengah happy2 skang niee. Biar laa dia rehat. Heehee. Saya rindu nak ada kawan yg boleh buat saya gelak mcm dulu, yang boleh nampak air mata saya sebelum org lain. Saya rindu nak ada kawan mcm tuee. Tapi saya tak nak awak jadi mcm dia. Saya tak nak replicate. Saya nak awak jadi kawan saya. Awak yang sebenar. Minta maaf, kalo saya buat awak kurang selesa.. Saya faham...fizikal saya niee memang mengerikan. Suara saya tak selunak suara kawan2 awak yg lain. Perangai saya tak selembut peminat2 awak tuee. Suara saya ala2 Bang Yongguk B.A.P, yee (sila check Google). Saya tak sealim diorg. Saya bukan puteri, rambut saya tak sepanjang dan secantik diorg. Baju dan brg2 saya tak semahal diorg.. Otak saya pon tak sepandai diorg. Orang Science Class tuee ! Saya org biasa jer, awak. Sape laa nak pandang kn ? Saya tak reti sangat English2 niee.. sebab saya slalu tgk Korea. Mesti awak ingat saya obsessed ngan K-Pop, kn ? Tiap kali saya bawa lagu, confirm Korean. Tapi awak percaya laa, saya tak se-obsessed yg awak sangka kn. Dah bertahun saya kenal Korean music niee, awak. Jadi tahap obsession saya tuee tak tinggi mana pon. Biasa2 jer skang niee. Mesti awak rasa saya niee mengada2 kalo saya dekat ngan awak. Mesti awak fikir saya niee tergedik2 sebab nak rapat ngan org2 mcm awak, kn ? Takpe, saya faham. Saya tak kesah :)
Saya memang tak pernah kesah pon. Sebab saya nak org terima saya seadanya. Saya nak org tengok saya dengan ikhlas...bukan sebab lain. Awak mesti suka org yg pndai2 mcm kawan2 saya yg lain tuee, kn ? Diorg semua mesra, friendly......mudah senyum. Saya kalo senyum........langsuir pon boleh jatuh coma ! Betol, saya tak tipu. Kalo awak nak bandingkan saya ngan Joker pon saya setuju.. Sebab Joker tuee pon ada peminat ! Sejahat2 dan sekejam2 serta ketidak manisan wajah Joker tuee pon masih ada org yg nak kat dia, awak. Adoii.....rendah plak rasa diri saya yang sememangnya rendah niee. Awak mesti suka org yg pndai senyum kn ? Org yang senyum dengan manis.. Saya tak reti senyum laa, awak :( Kalo saya senyum.......mcm sengih kambing pon ada gak ! Saya nak senyum mcm org lain. Cantik, manis, cute jer bila diorg snyum...sebab tuee laa diorg dah ada pasangan masing2. Kenapa laa saya tak reti senyum kn, awak ? Kenapa laa suara saya tak semerdu suara seorang perempuan, ekk ? Kalo saya bercakap...huuiiishh ! Orang ingat M. Nasir ! (Dari Yongguk terus pergi M. Nasir, man..) Kenapa perangai saya tak selembut kawan2 perempuan awak yg lain, ekk ? Saya dah cuba, awak. Betol, saya cuba. Tapi org kata saya pelik pulak... PULAAAAAAAAAK...~ Jadi saya tak nak laa..
Awak, saya dapat rasa kalo awak mmg xselesa kalo saya ada eye-contact sekejap ngan awak. Saya dapat rasa yg awak mmg xsuka. Jadi saya cuba avoid laa...satu jer cara dia.. Saya tanggalkan cermin mata saya. Heehee. Kawan saya slalu marah..sebab saya degil tak nak pakai specs. Bukan saya tak nak, saya tak suka jer.. (Ada beza tau ?!) Hati saya sunyi...sbab xde yg sudi hiburkan. Kadang2 saya rasa down sangat...sbab xde yg sudi temankan saya. Saya rasa tersisih sket dari org lain, sebab saya 'tak laku' heehee. Awak jgn laa gelak.. Betol, saya tak laku. Kesian saya kn ? Awak tau tak.. Bila saya tgk awak ngan orang lain kan.... Saya slalu tersenyum, hati saya slalu kata .. "Mesti perempuan niee hebat di mata dia. Mesti dia istimewa. Mesti dia pandai ambil hati." Kadang2, saya cuba gak nak jadi mcm diorg...tpi kalo saya fikir2kan balik... Nanti awak xdapat terima saya kalo saya jadi diri saya balik. Saya pon tak suka berpura2 jadi org lain.. Tak best laa. Saya terima. Saya terima diri saya seadanya.
Maybe kita tak dapat jadi kawan......jadi saya cuma boleh tengok awak dari jauh jer laa, ekk ? Izinkan saya, ye awak ? Saya tengok awak dari jauh pon xpe.. (kalo saya nampak gak laa...) Harap awak tak marah. Tempat saya mmg xde kat hati awak (amboi.......) sekurang2nya saya slalu ingat kat awak. Mengada2 pulaak aku nihhh ! Awak...harap awak bila awak dh berjaya nanti, awak takkan lupa kawan2 awak skang niee. Diorg slalu ngan awak. Kena slalu ingat kat diorg..okay ? Akhir kata.... I'm just a stranger to you, though you are someone in my eyes :)
THE END ! - YUY MENGADA2 BUAT SURAT KAT BLOG !! -
[Helww ! Assalamualaikum ! Annyeonghasaeyo ! Gatal pulak tangan nie nak tulis surat...]
Untuk si dia tuee..... .....teragak2 nak cakap niee, tapi harap kita dapat jadi kwn ekk ? Jadi kawan pon kira alhamdulillah gak. Sebab, awak tuee popular sgt laa.. Saya sendiri pon takut nak tegur. Takut kena serang ngan peminat2 awak tuee pulak.. Alaa..setakat peminat awak tuee, saya xde laa kesah sangat.. Sebab kalo dari segi keganasan, saya mmg banyak pengelaman.. Tapi saya janji nak jadi budak baik. Jadi tak boleh laa. Sorry, sebab saya tak boleh tgk muka awak ngan clear, sebab saya tak suka pakai specs. Saya mmg laa nak pakai, tapi skali saya tgk kat cermin...... Ya Rabbi, ingatkn nenek kebayan mana tdi. Terkejut saya tgk. Jadi saya tak pakai laa.
Awak....mesti baik org nyaa kan ? Sebab tuee awak ramai peminat. Mesti awak pndai jaga hati diorg kan ? Best laa diorg dapat kawan mcm awak.. Hati saya dah lama kosong.. takde laa kosong sangat sebab saya ada Allah kat hati. Tapi saya rindu sangat nak gurau2 manja ngan seorang sahabat.... Dia dah lama pergi, awak. Tapi saya redha..sebab saya tau dia tengah happy2 skang niee. Biar laa dia rehat. Heehee. Saya rindu nak ada kawan yg boleh buat saya gelak mcm dulu, yang boleh nampak air mata saya sebelum org lain. Saya rindu nak ada kawan mcm tuee. Tapi saya tak nak awak jadi mcm dia. Saya tak nak replicate. Saya nak awak jadi kawan saya. Awak yang sebenar. Minta maaf, kalo saya buat awak kurang selesa.. Saya faham...fizikal saya niee memang mengerikan. Suara saya tak selunak suara kawan2 awak yg lain. Perangai saya tak selembut peminat2 awak tuee. Suara saya ala2 Bang Yongguk B.A.P, yee (sila check Google). Saya tak sealim diorg. Saya bukan puteri, rambut saya tak sepanjang dan secantik diorg. Baju dan brg2 saya tak semahal diorg.. Otak saya pon tak sepandai diorg. Orang Science Class tuee ! Saya org biasa jer, awak. Sape laa nak pandang kn ? Saya tak reti sangat English2 niee.. sebab saya slalu tgk Korea. Mesti awak ingat saya obsessed ngan K-Pop, kn ? Tiap kali saya bawa lagu, confirm Korean. Tapi awak percaya laa, saya tak se-obsessed yg awak sangka kn. Dah bertahun saya kenal Korean music niee, awak. Jadi tahap obsession saya tuee tak tinggi mana pon. Biasa2 jer skang niee. Mesti awak rasa saya niee mengada2 kalo saya dekat ngan awak. Mesti awak fikir saya niee tergedik2 sebab nak rapat ngan org2 mcm awak, kn ? Takpe, saya faham. Saya tak kesah :)
Saya memang tak pernah kesah pon. Sebab saya nak org terima saya seadanya. Saya nak org tengok saya dengan ikhlas...bukan sebab lain. Awak mesti suka org yg pndai2 mcm kawan2 saya yg lain tuee, kn ? Diorg semua mesra, friendly......mudah senyum. Saya kalo senyum........langsuir pon boleh jatuh coma ! Betol, saya tak tipu. Kalo awak nak bandingkan saya ngan Joker pon saya setuju.. Sebab Joker tuee pon ada peminat ! Sejahat2 dan sekejam2 serta ketidak manisan wajah Joker tuee pon masih ada org yg nak kat dia, awak. Adoii.....rendah plak rasa diri saya yang sememangnya rendah niee. Awak mesti suka org yg pndai senyum kn ? Org yang senyum dengan manis.. Saya tak reti senyum laa, awak :( Kalo saya senyum.......mcm sengih kambing pon ada gak ! Saya nak senyum mcm org lain. Cantik, manis, cute jer bila diorg snyum...sebab tuee laa diorg dah ada pasangan masing2. Kenapa laa saya tak reti senyum kn, awak ? Kenapa laa suara saya tak semerdu suara seorang perempuan, ekk ? Kalo saya bercakap...huuiiishh ! Orang ingat M. Nasir ! (Dari Yongguk terus pergi M. Nasir, man..) Kenapa perangai saya tak selembut kawan2 perempuan awak yg lain, ekk ? Saya dah cuba, awak. Betol, saya cuba. Tapi org kata saya pelik pulak... PULAAAAAAAAAK...~ Jadi saya tak nak laa..
Awak, saya dapat rasa kalo awak mmg xselesa kalo saya ada eye-contact sekejap ngan awak. Saya dapat rasa yg awak mmg xsuka. Jadi saya cuba avoid laa...satu jer cara dia.. Saya tanggalkan cermin mata saya. Heehee. Kawan saya slalu marah..sebab saya degil tak nak pakai specs. Bukan saya tak nak, saya tak suka jer.. (Ada beza tau ?!) Hati saya sunyi...sbab xde yg sudi hiburkan. Kadang2 saya rasa down sangat...sbab xde yg sudi temankan saya. Saya rasa tersisih sket dari org lain, sebab saya 'tak laku' heehee. Awak jgn laa gelak.. Betol, saya tak laku. Kesian saya kn ? Awak tau tak.. Bila saya tgk awak ngan orang lain kan.... Saya slalu tersenyum, hati saya slalu kata .. "Mesti perempuan niee hebat di mata dia. Mesti dia istimewa. Mesti dia pandai ambil hati." Kadang2, saya cuba gak nak jadi mcm diorg...tpi kalo saya fikir2kan balik... Nanti awak xdapat terima saya kalo saya jadi diri saya balik. Saya pon tak suka berpura2 jadi org lain.. Tak best laa. Saya terima. Saya terima diri saya seadanya.
Maybe kita tak dapat jadi kawan......jadi saya cuma boleh tengok awak dari jauh jer laa, ekk ? Izinkan saya, ye awak ? Saya tengok awak dari jauh pon xpe.. (kalo saya nampak gak laa...) Harap awak tak marah. Tempat saya mmg xde kat hati awak (amboi.......) sekurang2nya saya slalu ingat kat awak. Mengada2 pulaak aku nihhh ! Awak...harap awak bila awak dh berjaya nanti, awak takkan lupa kawan2 awak skang niee. Diorg slalu ngan awak. Kena slalu ingat kat diorg..okay ? Akhir kata.... I'm just a stranger to you, though you are someone in my eyes :)
THE END ! - YUY MENGADA2 BUAT SURAT KAT BLOG !! -
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