A Moment ...

.. I'm not supposed to whine about it ... but heck, who cares ?

Honestly, I'm not even sure what am I doing with my life right now .. like nothing makes sense anymore. Most of the 'friends' I used to have .. now they're, to me, trying to distant themselves away from me .. or maybe it's actually the other way round.

Yes, maybe .. just maybe, I'm the one who is trying to run away from them .. because I'm an idiot who only thinks about herself and no one else. I did try to understand .. but I just couldn't.

I hate being alone sometimes, but I do feel comfortable when I'm away from people. Only when I'm alone .. guilt hunts me. When I'm alone .. memories are trying to suffocate me .. but only when I'm alone, I can be myself again .. creating another world for myself .. running away, escaping the reality. I admit, I did wish for all the attention to be on me ... but at the same time, I wish for nothing but silence.

I remember every word ... every single word .. it haunts me every night ..

I'm useless .. because I couldn't do anything .. or when I whined too much ..

I'm selfish ... because I did a mistake .. my lack of 'care' of my surrounding made me selfish ...

I'm rude ... because I tried to sound normal ... my 'self' is not accepted by anyone ... not even my family.

I did all those things .... because for once .. I wish for them to act like a 'family'. I'm jealous of everyone who chats, talks or even hangs out with their parents, siblings, bros and sisters .. I have none of that. My family .... I can't be as carefree as I wish ..

My dad understands me ... and I'm very grateful about it. Other than him ...... no one else does ..........

I tried to not feel awkward whenever I'm with them ... but they never let me be myself ... I mean, watching how close my friend is with her mom makes me jealous. They're like bestfriend to each other .... I can't even complain about a single thing, because I know they'll never understand .. How I wish I could just have at least someone .. a family member to talk to ... I need to know how it feels to be close to your own family ...

They care for me, yes ... they really care for me ....... but they don't really care what I feel nor think ...

No one understands ... no one will ...

I can never be anyone's favourite ..... and I'll never be ... because I'm different .... I'm annoying .. I'm useless ... I'm selfish ......... I'm the only one to blame .....

Even this for this post ... I wish they can read it .... but yet, I've changed everything .. the link to this blog, the name .. everything .. as I do not want them to know ... It hurts ... I'm confused ..... Let this ends .. now.