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Rabu, 18 Mac 2015

Hello.

Since I've changed everything .. the link, name .. etc .. I'm guessing no one (among those I know) will find it ... so now, this will be a place for me to be 'normal'. I feel like deleting my old posts though ... the more I look at it, the guiltier I feel for myself .. I tried to live a 'happy' life for years .. but now, I give up. What is a 'happy' life ? How can I be happy when I'm not even sincere to myself ? I lied .. I fooled myself millions of times ..... I lied to everyone ... I lied ... yes, I lied. I'm sorry ......... I just need to be happy and I don't want you to worry ... although, I know that no one will be worried about me .. I just like to think that maybe .. just maybe someone will care about me. I wish ... and even dream for the most impossible things ... because I know I can't have it in real life. Let me be myself for once ..... I've tolerated your non-sense, why can't you tolerate mind for once ? I've never said anything .. I never complained about you .... why can't you just .. help me. For once ... just help me. I know I'm selfish ....... but I never left you behind.

Okay .. maybe I've done something to my family or my parents, or my friends .. or someone in the past ..... and this is actually a punishment .. then, fine ... okaay. I deserve it anyway ...

However .. if I could have one wish .... I wish ...... for things to be nothing like now.

.. Good night ...

Selasa, 3 Mac 2015

A Moment ...

.. I'm not supposed to whine about it ... but heck, who cares ?

Honestly, I'm not even sure what am I doing with my life right now .. like nothing makes sense anymore. Most of the 'friends' I used to have .. now they're, to me, trying to distant themselves away from me .. or maybe it's actually the other way round.

Yes, maybe .. just maybe, I'm the one who is trying to run away from them .. because I'm an idiot who only thinks about herself and no one else. I did try to understand .. but I just couldn't.

I hate being alone sometimes, but I do feel comfortable when I'm away from people. Only when I'm alone .. guilt hunts me. When I'm alone .. memories are trying to suffocate me .. but only when I'm alone, I can be myself again .. creating another world for myself .. running away, escaping the reality. I admit, I did wish for all the attention to be on me ... but at the same time, I wish for nothing but silence.

I remember every word ... every single word .. it haunts me every night ..

I'm useless .. because I couldn't do anything .. or when I whined too much ..

I'm selfish ... because I did a mistake .. my lack of 'care' of my surrounding made me selfish ...

I'm rude ... because I tried to sound normal ... my 'self' is not accepted by anyone ... not even my family.

I did all those things .... because for once .. I wish for them to act like a 'family'. I'm jealous of everyone who chats, talks or even hangs out with their parents, siblings, bros and sisters .. I have none of that. My family .... I can't be as carefree as I wish ..

My dad understands me ... and I'm very grateful about it. Other than him ...... no one else does ..........

I tried to not feel awkward whenever I'm with them ... but they never let me be myself ... I mean, watching how close my friend is with her mom makes me jealous. They're like bestfriend to each other .... I can't even complain about a single thing, because I know they'll never understand .. How I wish I could just have at least someone .. a family member to talk to ... I need to know how it feels to be close to your own family ...

They care for me, yes ... they really care for me ....... but they don't really care what I feel nor think ...

No one understands ... no one will ...

I can never be anyone's favourite ..... and I'll never be ... because I'm different .... I'm annoying .. I'm useless ... I'm selfish ......... I'm the only one to blame .....

Even this for this post ... I wish they can read it .... but yet, I've changed everything .. the link to this blog, the name .. everything .. as I do not want them to know ... It hurts ... I'm confused ..... Let this ends .. now.

Selasa, 30 September 2014

People on My Facebook

I don't even know why, but I seriously feel like ranting right now. With totally broken, not so good, and definitely not grade A for English .......... I'll continue my rant.

Usually, I would ignore these people on my Facebook, because I kept on thinking like .. well, it is their FB accounts .. they can do whatever they want. Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. Go ahead. No one is stopping you, I'm not here to stop you, your friends won't stop you. So ... who cares ?? But now, my friend ... I will too be doing my own thing. And the thing that I will be doing soon ............ is probably an ass-long post of my 'observation' on my Facebook. Okaay .. before anything ... remember : THIS IS MY VIEW ABOUT THE PEOPLE ON MY FACEBOOK. Not your Facebook, not my neighbour's Facebook, not my aunt's Facebook, not my siblings' Facebook, not my boyfriend's Facebook .. BUT MY FACEBOOK. So basically, everything that you will read down there .... are the people on MY FACEBOOK ONLY. Alright ? Clear ? Okaay .. Legooo ...!



1. The Unknown 'Friend' Request.

I'm not being mean, but this 'friend' is not even on my friend list YET. But, the person is actually trying to be 'friend' with me by sending a friend request on Facebook. And I don't even have the slightest idea who the eff are you ? We do have mutual friends, yes. But I don't even know those people ! It can be worst ... when you received a friend request from someone who doesn't even have any mutual friends with you ....................... JUST HOW THE EFFING HELL DID YOU FIND ME ?!

I don't mind if you want to be friend .. but, PLEASE ... put a proper picture for your DP. BECAUSE (especially for the guys), just because you have abs, doesn't mean I'm going to accept you. Just because you stand next to a sport, Ferrari, Lamborghini .. it doesn't make me want to accept you. Maybe a picture of yourself is going to be too mainstream (what ?), you could have put any other pictures ........................ but not a half-naked picture. Maybe it looks cool to you and other 'badass-loving' girls ........ but trust me, I'll be blocking your account with no hesitation. *smiley* Unless you're Jaejoong, I don't mind staring at your pictures. (This girl is bursting people's bubbles !)


2. The Persistent 'Friend'.

Yes, this person is so persistent, I feel like slapping him/her across the face. :) I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, OKAY ? If you really do know me, then PLEASE, at least send me a private message, saying something like, "Hey, I was one of your classmates before back in 2005. I was sitting next to the window, and next to this friend of yours and bla bla bla .." then YES. Yes, I will accept you. Since I don't want anymore strangers following me or adding me as a friend on Facebook .. I will reject your request. I'm not going to make an effort to talk to strangers and turn you into my bestfriend. Hell no. BUT ... every time I click the 'reject' button .. the very next day .. when I log in to my Facebook .......... there he is again. Or there she is again. I rejected him and her once again ... and after the next few hours ....... they sent me friend requests again. THE EFF, MAN ?! Can't you see I'm trying to erase you from my life right now ?? Can't you just freaking understand that my 'rejection' towards your 'friend request' in my other way of saying .. "Stay the hell away from me. I don't want to know you." And still .... they are sending me friend requests .... but I'm so sorry to say this ...no, I will not accept you as part of my friend.



3. The NUMBER 1 Best Critic/The 'Opinion' Giver.

Yeap. I can't even believe why this people are still on my Facebook. I mean, dude ... shut the hell up, I don't want to hear your opinion ! I hate it when I post something on Facebook (which usually will always be related to K-Pop) and all of the sudden ....... someone just HAS to say out his 'opinion' on my post. Something that will sound like this ..

"Why are you so obsessed about them anyway ? Are they really that good ? Don't you know that they are all fake ? They are good looking because of the plastic surgery. They did the nose. They are not pure beauty ! They are 100% plastic ! Like eww ... why would you like someone like that ? The boys look so gay too ! All they know is dancing. Their voice is not really that good either. You just like their faces. That plastic face. The children will be born ugly. But yeah, this is just my opinion." Etc ...............

Oh, wait ! Wait ! Let me just get my notebook and write down every single thing of your so-called opinion so maybe one day, I can use it as my essay points ! I'll get high marks for this, so tell me more ! I'm dying to know more about this Korean thingy.

THE EFF UP, BROTHER SISTER. I'm not going to deny about the freaking plastic surgery thingy, because there is nothing to deny. But do you really think I wouldn't know ? A girl who has spent most of her childhood watching Korean dramas next to her parents, fangirling over DBSK since 2005 ... do you really think I don't know about the freaking surgery ? Wow ... just, WOW. But, but .. did I ever say that I FREAKING GIVE SOME FUCKS ABOUT THAT ? Plastic surgery .. yeah, so ? Did you pay for the surgery ? Yeah, their beauty might not be natural (as what hardcore/in denial fans will always say 'our idols are NATURAL' .. eff off.) but do I ever care ? Eff no. Why ? Because this 'plastic fake' people are the ones who can actually make me smile and laugh. While you, Mister 100% perfect, or Miss 100% real, or Miss 'I-am-so-original-than-my-eyelashes' ... your existence disgusted me. Sometimes, I just wish you were actually an anime character, where I can just kill you off. This 'opinion' as what you called it ... is not valid. I don't mind you giving your freakish opinion ... but bish, what are you trying to do ? 'Wake me up from my dreams' ? You know CLEARLY that I'm a big fan of Korean music, movies and dramas ... but you just have to say every negative points you have in mind. And what ? You're actually hoping for me to reply like this ...

"Oh My God. You are completely right ! I was being fooled all these years ! They are fake ! I have come to my senses now ... you have saved me from my long illusion."

Because ... you'll probably receive a reply from me that looks like something like this ...

"Oh, really ? Thanks. I really wish I could give you thumbs up, but my thumbs are freezing right now .. so here : .l. .l. :) come again if you desire for more."

Don't try to piss me off, sister .. I have no tolerance for stupidity.Yes, I love it when my idols look gay. I love it when they can only dance but never sing, because dancing is a talent that not everyone has. If they can't sing, they can act. They make more money than you. They have fans, while you have depression around you. Period.


4. The Drama.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I seriously don't want to see something like this every time I login to my Facebook ..

"Do you know how painful it is to be cheated on ? Why can't you be faithful ? Don't you know you've wasted a perfect partner ? She is very faithful to you, but look what you have done to her. She loves you and only you. Can't you just see how strong my love is ?" 

If it was written in English, maybe I could hold it in a bit .... but since it was written in my own language, I feel like puking every single fats I have inside. Because really ...... you do realized that your friends are reading that status, right ? And you do realized that not everyone will like it right ? (I'm one of them). Because I'm actually reading your 'drama' here ... I know some people going to say, "You can just ignore it if you don't like it." or "You can just unfriend her." Dude, first .. my apologies for not being able to ignore such thing because it is very distracting .. like, even though you're trying to run away from it, but then moment yous scroll back up .. there is the post again. So you end up reading it .. and judging it. Second, I hardly accept anyone whom I don't know .. so the only reason why you're on my friendlist on Facebook is because you are my friend. I'm not that heartless to unfriend you, my friend.

This drama people will not just update one or two statuses in one day .. no. She (because mostly, it will be the girls) will post it up like this ..

"How could you do this to me ? I only love you, you know that ? I'm so sad like this .."

But then the next seconds ...

"Please, I don't want to date anyone right now. I am taken already. So please don't text me." [I can imagine the sentences were said in a very annoying way.]

And the next few seconds ..

"Heartbroken. :( I am so sad. [Again, annoying]

And the next seconds ...

"I don't want to date anyone ! I am taken !"

And another one ...

"#moody #sad #heartbreak #single #lonely #cryingalone #alone"

And then ...

"I keep on tell you guys, we can only be friends ! Don't you get it ? I'm taken !" 

...... and you can imagine my face while reading all these posts on my newsfeed page. But what's weird is .. those who left the comments at every post are actually guys .. 'trying' to comfort her. Not trying to be rude, okaay ? But it really makes me curious .. are you really that dumb ? I mean, you do know that most of your friends are boys .. and they are trying to make you their date, but you are, 'as if' you are naive .. you replied as if you know nothing about it. Don't lie to me and say, "Oh, I didn't know anything. I just posted up my status for myself. I didn't know they want to be with me." ... So you're saying that the 'proposals' they sent to you ... are nothing ? Based on the posts you have there, it looks like the boys did send you a 'proposal' request, but then you turned them down because you already have your beloved one ? Tell you what, sister .. if you really wish to share all your feelings 'without being disturb by other boys'.... I suggest that you make a blog .. and write everything in it. Unless you're actually trying to seek some attentions from the boys ..

Yes, this 'drama' on Facebook is real. One time, you said you were single (with a hashtag), the other time, you said you're already taken. You're a number one headache giver :) And I can see that your life is full of misery .... and confusion.


5. The Couple Skits.

Yes ...... yep ...... yeaah ..... you can actually guess the age for the couple. Yep, around 14 - 15. I really don't mind you guys sharing one Facebook account, or maybe you have two separate accounts, because all I care is my sanity. I really don't enjoy this sometimes .. :


STATUS UPDATED ! By the girlfriend
"Love my cinta hati (beloved one). I miss you so much, my love. My husband."


Comment Section : by the boyfriend.

Boyfriend : Aww, I love you too, my love. I miss my wife so much too. Muah. Muah.

Girlfriend : Muah Muah for my husband too ! I wish you were here, sayang (love). :(

Boyfriend : Muah Muah Muah too. I know, love. I wish I was there with you too :( I missed you like crazy.

Girlfriend : :'( I miss you my husband.

Boyfriend : I miss you too my wife. Don't cry anymore. Please :(

Girlfriend : :'((

Boyfriend : Please don't cry. :( Please smile.

P.S : They actually met 10 minutes ago.


AND THIS CONVERSATION ACTUALLY WENT ON FOREVER. Unbelievable ............ husband and wife ..... really ? When did you get married ? Just because your boyfriend bought a ring for you, that doesn't make you his wife, girl. If you really want to have this kind of conversation, PLEASE .... USE THE FREAKING PRIVATE MESSAGES. The dude who created the Facebook was smashing his brain off just to create that private messages, and you idiots just have to use the comments' section. I know, I know, people will say something like, "Mind your own business," ... yeah, mind your own business too. You don't have to stick your nose in my personal likes and dislikes either. Because this is me saying why I don't enjoy 'watching' this kind of 'skit' .. because the next time the boyfriend or the girlfriend update the status, it will somewhere like this ...

"This is my account. I can do anything with it. You don't like it, unfriend me. You don't have to judge us."

Yeah, so you were actually hoping for someone to congratulate you for your 'couple skits' on Facebook ? Because I doubt that people will actually 'PRAISE' you for it ... basically, since we are all humans here .... WE JUDGE PEOPLE A LOT. So do you really expected that people won't interfere ? Wow ... *slow claps* You have a very positive life. I'm just going to say it here .... : You don't expect someone to judge you positively after all the dramas you have shown to them. :) Good luck in life.

Sometimes, you can even see them fighting ... in the comment section !


6. The Full-of-Emotion People.

I can say this about myself too. Whenever I update a status, most of the time, I'll write about something else with different words, just to cover the main topic behind it. Sometimes, I'll use something like a dramatic phrase just to express what I feel. However, only when I feel completely down or when I feel the need to cover my 'real confession'. Because I don't really enjoy reading some weird posts too .. something like this :

"The darkness of the night doesn't scare me off, as I still have the moon to shine my path. I will fight to every pain. I will fight for myself."

Basically, I thought it would be about her fighting against those creeps who tried to drag her down .... but then she was actually talking about her broken fingernail ............... and I was like, the eff ? You could almost make a novel out of those words, but it was all about your broken fingernail ? That is one lucky fingernail.

It will be best to read some deep phrases on Facebook sometimes, but at least make it more ... real and not because of something stupid like a broken fingernail. Go see a doctor if it bleed too much.




Well, I guess these are some of the people on my Facebook ... there are some more, but these people here ... are those who I really wish I could avoid sometimes. They pissed me off to no end at certain times. I'm so so sorry, if it offends you ... but let's just be honest to each other .. we are wearing different shoes, so obviously we are in are different from one another. What I see as annoying and what you see as annoying are probably vary .. maybe you don't like people cursing, so you can take me as an example if you have my Facebook, because I'm the type to curse a lot. And probably some girls get offended easily and thought I was talking about them .. don't worry, I talk about everyone in the whole world, only if they pissed me off. So, if you didn't do anything, don't worry .. I don't blame you for your skits and dramas on Facebook .. but if you did piss me off before ...... I'm watching you.

Alright. I have come to the end ^^ ! Annyeong, people !


- SOULLESS GIRL -
"Just how you judge me, I'm judging you too."

Isnin, 18 Ogos 2014

What Did They Say ?

What did they tell you ?

"She is a nice young girl."
That's a lie.

"She has a nice soft voice."
It was just an act.

"She won't hurt anyone."
No one ever planned a murder out loud.

"She looks so soft."
You missed my personality.

"Her skin is nice."
That doesn't resemble my attitude.


What did they say ?

"She doesn't deserve anyone."
Because no one is good enough to handle me.

"She has nothing to offer."
Because I'm too expensive.

"She has nothing to show."
Because that man is not my husband.

"She is just faking it."
Because I know you're too.

"She is so ugly."
Because being pretty is not an option.

"She sounds weird."
Because you don't deserve my kindness.

"I don't like."
I don't like you either.

"I can do better than her."
I don't wish to be compared with an easy girl.

"I'm smarter than her."
I don't share brain with anyone.

"She likes gay!"
Because I'm crazy enough to be someone else .. to stand on my own ground without a care. I don't need fakers to support me .. my ground is different than yours. Only those who understand this 'life' will stand next to me. Level of awesomeness *winks*

"She is gay!"
I'm always happy. Of course :)


What did they say in my absence ? What did they tell you ? Whatever they say .... you know you're a true friend when ......... --


No, I'm not going to say it here. Good night.

Jumaat, 15 Ogos 2014

Something New ..

Assalamualaikum :)

Guess I've figured it out about what I should do to this blog .. I don't feel like deleting at the moment (not even sure why .. every time I tried, every post left reminds me of my silliness and how happy I was back then), but I think I know what I'll do to it.

Alhamdulillah, I got to enter UBD this year ^^ No longer an undergraduate .. but a Uni student. Not even sure if I should be proud or just .... sit down and eat some cookies. I finally got the chance to leave home and stay in a hostel with my friends. Finally know how it feels to be away from home. Finally got the guts (ballssss) to drive on my own. Shaky, but hey, my friends are still alive when I drove them from one faculty to another, alright ? And the most important thing .. I'm alone. Yes. Literally alone. Well, I got some friends, of course, but not from my form six group.

I don't have Hajah Jung at my side, I missed her loud voice and laughter (hell no, I'm not going to tell her that). Whenever she was around, despite being few days older than me, I felt like I was babysitting a kid 10 years younger than me. No kidding. But at certain times, she was there to comfort me and pushed some balls (not literally pushing the balls) into me and made me stepped up for myself. Maa mentioned about me and friends yesterday. She asked me if I finally found any friends there. I said, yeaah .. got some friends. And then fullstop, because I seriously don't know how to continue (partly because I'm not so sure about it myself). But then she actually noticed it ... maa suddenly said, "You don't really mixed that well with them other than Farwizah, aren't you? (note : Farwizah is her real name.) You only talked about Hajah and Fafa. Unfortunately, they're not with you."

There was a long pause .. yes, I fell in deep silence right after that. Because what she said was real. It's the truth, maa. I don't think I belong with them ... My place is supposed to be right in the middle between Hajah, Fafa, Qeebah and Jiaa .. Yes. My precious girls .. these are the friends who kept my sorrow away for the last 2 years. Yet we couldn't be with each other now .. I can hardly meet them now. They came to visit me last week ..... I tried okaay ! I tried to hold it in .. I told myself that I won't cry. Hell, Yuy. You freaking cried in front of Hajah ! She freaking saw your weakness !! What the hell was that for ?? Anyway, I didn't know what to say ... I feel bad. I didn't have anything to thank them properly. But I promise one thing and I won't say it here :) I hope Hajah will make it this time .. in another institute .. as long as I know she is still going forward and not giving up.

Yes, when maa said it. I thought I've forgotten how to talk again. The words stuck in my throat for seconds before I could reply to her. Yes, maa ... I missed them. They make me realized how much I should value my friends. They came all the way from KB to Core (the place where I'm staying right now) just to see me .. and I don't have anything to give them ! My life standard has reduced 82% ! -- BEGGAR ! :'(

I missed Fafa .. she used to whine a lot about things and she still does. heehee ! I don't mind .. it makes me feel like an older sister to her. An older sis with a huuuge responsibility. The kid is going to sit for her A Level exam this year .. all the best for her. Please pray for my little princess here too, alright ? She has suffered a lot lately. Craps happened again and again; it makes me worried that she would collapsed ... but I know she is as strong as hell, and those freaking shits can't easily knock her down. You craps better stop messing with my friend ... or I'll curse you. Trust me, I won't hesitate to curse anyone who pissed me off beyond my limit. Anyway, she told me that she cried while studying .... I actually smiled when I read it. Sorry, Faa ! I was mocking you or anything, little one. But you reminded me so much of what happened to me last year. Yes, I cried too. Harder than you .. the only difference is .... no one knew. No one knew how much I've suffered last year. I almost drowned in my own misery and yet no one knew. They thought I was doing fine, Faa. They thought I was okaay .. when my only thought was to end everything that night. I almost gave up .. but I then realized that .. I don't want to go without hopes. So I stayed ... and tried. I forced the shit out of myself and pushed my brain close to its breaking point ... I really did.

So, Faa ... don't worry. It's normal to cry. It's normal for you to stress up sometimes, but remember to rest too. Remember to relax for a while (don't go relax forever !). Remember to ear. Remember to sleep. Remember that you still have a long journey a head of you. If you gave up now .... how the hell am I supposed to see you in UBD ? We promise to see each other and hang out again in Bandar, right ? I'll wait for you girls .. I'll wait for Hajah, I'll wait for Qeebah, I'll wait for Jiaa ... and I definitely will wait for you too. I will wait for you girls all the way in Bandar ... I met and held each other grounds in form six, and now, I don't see any reasons for us to let go. So I will wait .. just promise me you girls won't give up. Fine a reason to continue. Faa, I know it's hard now ... but it will be harder if you don't try. Do your best, Faa. You can do better than us. Better than me. I believe in that. :)

Qeebah ... my little panda ^^ Yes, I call her panda. I remember how she used to panic whenever something was up, and how hard-working she was back then. I just hope she still continues to work hard now too. I don't want to see any of my friends giving up on something that they know they can own if they tried harder. Qeebah keeps on saying that I'm lucky to finally be able to enter Uni. All I could do was smiled at her .. I really wanted to tell her that I almost had a mental breakdown (CL's song playing at the back). I wanted to tell her I'm suffering all alone now. I wanted to tell her how uncomfortable I am among the people I don't even know ! I may seem 'lucky' in her eyes .... but I see her as a girl full with potential. A hard working girl who doesn't know when to give up. Hopefully, that's not just my imagination, Qeeb :) I know you're a stubborn girl who will try anything just to reach that certain level. It's not easy, Qeeb. It's not as easy as it looks .. I don't enjoy this. Did I look like I'm actually enjoying it ? I enjoyed my life as a Uni student, yes. But I suffered from the feelings that I've locked inside. So, Qeebah .. my one and only panda partner .. Don't tell me how lucky I am. Don't tell me how I should be happy now. Don't tell me that you can't do it. No. I won't listen to you .. I will look away and pretend that I didn't hear anything ..because I don't want to hear those lies. I know you can do it too ... you've put yourself in a very crazy situation before ... and now I want to see it again. The Qeebah who never stops writing, and never stops trying. I want to see you girls again .. I seriously do. I know you can make it too .. :)

Jiaa ... I'm not sure where you are right now. Why do I feel like you're trying to hide away from me ?? Don't you missed me ?? How could you ?!! If she was here, I can guarantee she would have sent her fist flying right to my face. Kekeke ! Jiaa .. I know you're not giving up on studying just yet. I know you're just trying to find some extra money so you can support your studies without burdening your parents. ..if only you know, Jiaa ... how much I'm proud of you. You may not believe this ... but yes, since the first time we met .. I know you'll be different. I've never had a Chinese best friend before .. but then I met you. You know most of my stories, my secrets, my weakness ... and you're still there for me. You gave me advice, you gave me tips ... I don't know how I would continue without you. Do you know how it feels to see others with their own best friend ? To see them being comforted by their best friend while I'm alone trying to mend my own wounds ? ..but Jiaa, do you know that for some reason, I just wish we would take Sociology class again together. With you almost falling asleep and all .. and your pissed off face whenever something annoyed you. Your jokes .. and silliness .. I missed all those things about you. Whenever I see a group of Chinese students ... I really want to text you and all, but then I know how you sometimes feel overly exhausted from work, I don't want to bother my little friend here. heehee ! Have you been well, dude ? Are you working hard ? You better. Don't go escape2 aa .. I'll report to your boss. haahaahaa ! Just promise me you won't give up on studying .. I know you can better than before. I know you're tried. Dude, I was tired too okaay ?! You know how I almost lost my mind while writing those freaking hella notes ! ...so if I could survive through out all those madness .. I know you can too. Thank you, Jiaa. I couldn't find a perfect time to thank you properly .. I know you've heard more than you should. Thank you so much .. for not using it against me. Thank you, Jijii (ohoho ! I feel a bit daring right now). Even if I've to wait for another 5 years ... then I will wait for you for another 5 years to come. I will wait.

Jung .. Hajah .. Farwizah .. My one and only Jung. A girl who knows what she wants and will always try to reach it. Jaah, we will meet again in Bandar :) It doesn't matter to which institute you will enter. LBC ? KEMUDA ? KUPUSB ? I don't need to know that .. as long as I know you're doing well. You will have Bibi there, right ? You will find a new friend too .. you don't have to worry about me anymore. Just remember to update me with all the things you'll be doing. I've been best friend since we were kids .. young, crazy, wild and naughty kids who had caused a lot of troubles to the teachers. And I bet some of our classmates hated us for it. But I don't mind ... they can hate me all the want .. I know you're the only friend I can rely on. Juung .. do you know how lonely I felt ? Well ..I feel lonely without your loud voice and cheerful laughter. I used to joke around saying that you're too loud and things ... but truth is, it made me feel comfortable. You know me more than anyone else. You know what I hate and love, yet you still go with the flow and join the conversation. We talk about things that others couldn't accept, that if they knew about it, they would be puking their dinner by now. But you laughed at me when I told you about it and still continued to converse about that 'topic'. You didn't see it as weird .. you laughed at it .. and you're still my best friend. Right until today. I don't want you to feel different just because you're not in UBD. Who the hell said those who entered UBD will have a good life ? Fuck those people, they are no God who handle other's faith ! Allah knows better .. He knows our journey .. He knows how hard we've tried. So He will settle everything for you .. as long as you don't turn away from Him. Try, jaah ... look for new friends if you must. It's probably easier for you to make new friends .. with those friendly gesture and personality .. you will have a new group of friends in no time. Just promise me you won't get too 'bounded' to them that you forget your studies. Study hard .. even without us by your side. All the best for you, Jaah .. :)

My other childhood best friend .. Amera Nazuha .. or Naz. Where are you ? I missed you :( Sorry we rarely talk to each other lately. I know you're busy and all .. I just hope you're doing well with your studies too :) Just like the others .... I know you won't give up just yet. Remember that Infinite is still in KOREA and you need to SEE THEM ! YOU NEED TO MEET THEM ! In order of you to do that .... you need money. Money, you can only earn them if you have good occupation. Good occupation will only be offered if you have good knowledge ... :) So let's study and break our skulls for once .. for us to get that knowledge and money (skip the working part. kekeke !) and we will meet our idols too one day. ^^ I'll try my best for this UBD too ... I must get that chance to travel to Korea. Just like how you, me and Hajah always wished for, remember ? Heehee. Study well, Naz. Remember to relax too ... by relax, I mean rest and enough sleep. Don't go for a long relax, alright ?? You can only relax when you've fulfilled your duty as a human, a daughter and maybe a wife and a mother :) kekeke !

I know that one day .. I will be forgotten too just like the others. Slowly, and bit by bit .. I will disappear from my friends' lives .. My name will no longer be said. My face will no longer be remembered by them. My voice will never be heard. But before that moment comes ... I just want to wish all my friends, sisters and best friends the best of luck. And may they have a brighter future ahead. For all the lies I've spoken .. please forgive me. For all the times that I've made you worried, mad, sad, disappointed, down ... please forgive me. For all the harsh words I've said to you .. please forgive me. It means nothing but words .. One day, you will forget about me, my dear friends .... but I promise I won't forget you. :) One day, I won't be there to support you again .... but I know Allah will always be with you. You're like a family to me .. a family who doesn't care about my flaws and still accept me though I'm odd. A beautiful family that I know everyone had wished to have one ... and thank you so much for your time. I'm sorry .. for everything I've missed. For everything I've done .. for everything I've said ... May Allah be with you in our journey. Erase me off your memory if you must ... as long as I know that you're doing well. Just like the others ... I'm just a human; a human with a beginning and an ending ..

Allah have sent me you girls to teach me lessons and loves ... may one day, Allah will guide you too. To a better place than where you're standing right now. Good night, my stars ... Good night .. and sweet dreams.


SINCERELY,
- A SOULLESS GIRL -

Ahad, 26 Januari 2014

Post

Heyy, guys.

It has been long since I updated this blog, right ? Sorry ^^ but .. who am I apologizing to anyway ? Haahaahaa ! I'm alone in here. No one here. So .. why the hell am I sorry for ? I'm sorry for my life. :)

I'm sorry for being me. I'm not a great person. I'm not as 'well-known' as some people thought I would. I'm just part of the society. Though I wish I wasn't one of the complicated humans ... what power do I have to stop myself from turning into one of them ? I just I could be someone whom people will look upon at, someone whom people will worry if I'm not around. I know I'm being selfish again, but who I am to stop all these things from happening ? For once, let me be selfish.

I understand how everything that had happened ... is basically my fault. I know. You don't have to list them down and slap it across my face. I know how pitiful my life is. But all I can do is to switch off the world and put my headphone on .. music full blast .. let me drown in my own 'world'. I don't belong anywhere ... I thought I would be useful to someone ....... but I guess I just got my hope too high again. I didn't want to let it go, but I did. I got hurt in the end ... severely in pain. Too bad the pain wasn't bad enough to kill me right on the spot.

Depression ? I'm not sure myself. Is it really depression that forced me to write all these ? Is it depression ? Haahaahaa ! I don't even know. I'm sorry for all the messages from you guys that I left without replying. Things happened, and I forget something easily too. I wanted to reply all of those messages, private messages, tweets, WA messages. I really wanted too .... but I don't want you guys to know my situation during that time. I need time to heal myself .. of course, I don't wish you guys to know what kind of 'injuries' or 'illness' that I was suffering from. (not that you guys would bother about it anyway haahaahaa !)

I just wish everything would be .......... just like before. Sometimes I wish I shouldn't have done it. I wish I didn't meet them .... I wish ...... I wish everything would be ........ different. Or at least, I wish for one ...... for at least one person to notice me. I don't want to be the third person in everything. I'm not a tool .. I want you to rely on me too. I want you to see me how you see them. .......I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for this post. I'm sorry for my flaws .. for all the lies .. for everything. I'm so sorry ...... but please.. please ........ if you don't need me anymore ........ please, erase me completely out of your life. It hurts to know that those people who I thought would need me as much as I need them actually don't see how important my existence is.

I'm sorry if I ever pushed you away .. sorry for not replying your messages (though I keep on telling you guys to resend me the message, just in case I didn't see it before.) I'm sorry .... for existing.

Maybe .... maybe this will be the last post for this blog. Thank you everyone, for those who have stayed. Thank you so much for teaching me how to create a blog. Of course, I remember everything. From the very first time. That immature little girl who just learned how to use a blog. Haahaahaa ! That idiot never change :) I remember how people talk about me ... asking me why I'm using Malaysian language instead of Bruneian. ....heck, what's wrong with using other language anyway ? I can't see your point in it. It's not like you don't understand Malaysian, right ? I just wanted to use Malaysian instead of Bruneian language .. no reason. I remember how my they said my e-mail is weird ... my language is weird .. my blog is weird. They don't understand a single thing about what I've written in my blog ..... who the hell told you to read my blog at the first place ? Haahaahaa ! I never said you can read it. :) In fact ... I don't want you to read it. I remember how I used to have a fight in this blog. Stupid me. OTL kekeke

I remember everything. They criticize me for everything, and I don't understand why. But I found a reason why I should hate people. :) They never have the intention to leave me alone ..... just to humiliate me once again ^^ Are you satisfied now ? Are you dancing to your victory dance now as you read this post ? haahaahaa ! Don't worry. I can't see it anyway. Sometimes I hope people will mention my name .... will actually remember me. But again ... how am I for people to remember ? I'm barely a person .... I'm solid (obviously) alright ..... but I'm just a shadow. I remember .... how they try to drag me down as I talked about things that should be 'adult-only' topics ... I didn't mention anything about 'beds' or 'ropes', dude. I just talked about 'love' ........ what ? They thought I was a kid before ............. dude, you don't know what you're talking about. haaahaahaa ! I remember .. whenever I updated my blog before ... they would make fun about it. ..what should I do ? I'm a kid to you guys, right ? So don't bother about my life anymore :) I don't need you ...... just like how I'm unneeded to you.

Remember I used to write a novel before ? Yeah, a Malay novel. ^^ ..it's a hobby. I wanted to be a writer, but I'm not creative enough kekeke ^^ Whenever I started to write the continuation for the next chapter ... I always thought .. 'hey, this is better' .. because I was too far away from the reality, so it felt amazing.

Thank you for those people who taught me how to create a blog, thank you for the one person who introduced me to 'what is a blog ?' .. thank you so much :) I don't feel like mentioning any names haahaahaa ! Why ? Because I know some will be like, "Why didn't she write down my name too ?! I'm one of them !" Nope .. nope. I'm too tired to entertain people right now. haahaahaa ! Kidding. I don't want you guys to feel left out if I accidentally forgot to mention you. I just hope those people will know how they are without me stating their names here. (Please spare me .. I'm exhausted) Let's not feel left out anymore, okay ? I'm not talking about me.. I'm talking about you guys. Just realize how important you are to someone though you thought you're not. I know how people are trying to ignore me .. but I never say a thing ^^ Why ? it's better that way. I have no reason to hold onto them, and they have no reason to stay anymore. I'm letting you guys go ^^

People can say bad stuffs about me .. they can say how 'ugly I am' or how 'ugly my voice is' .. I know. I hate myself too. haahaahaa ! But that doesn't make you any better. You might think that you're one of the best people since people are giving their attention to you. ....but girl, listen....you're lower than any shits that I've dealt with. I never said my voice was as angelic as any idols. I never said our dance moves are the best .. nope. I just like to stand on the stage, and dance with my friends. And no ... I don't need your opinion at all. I forgive you, don't worry. From the bottom of my heart .. I've forgiven you. I pity your life though. I can't imagine myself being in your shoes. You never know how good it is to have people who love you because they really do love you. You will never understand how great it feels to be yourself .. no dramas, no acting, no fake tears, no backstabbing missions. Oh God, I don't wish to trade my life with anything in this world. Alhamdulillah, because of your foul actions, I learn to keep myself at peace .. so I won't have the label 'fake bitch' stapled to my forehead :) Anyway, of course ... all your sins are forgiven .... but I'll keep everything in mind. Just in case some of your plastic army suddenly appear from nowhere and act like an innocent little angel with puppy eyes.

Once again ... I'm sorry and thank you. I know I've changed a lot lately. Got more busy and more distant ... what can I do ? I don't feel people will need me even if I stayed .. I feel bad for myself, so I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'll see what I'll to this blog in the future. Maybe I'll just delete it. It's getting boring anyway. Nothing works anymore. I don't know what the hell happened to my playlist .... nor my chatbox. haahaahaa ! What a weird blog. Blog, did you just eat up all the things I put up here ? Aiyaa... don't be like that. kekeke !

For those people who I really wish they would care for me too ..... Thank you so much ... I'm sorry .. Please take care. And good bye .


:: sincerely, me. (THE SOULLESS GIRL) ::

Ahad, 31 Mac 2013

Opss..

Helwwww ! Assalamualaikum ! Annyeonghasaeyo !

Tak tau laa nak buat ape skang.....nak senyum ke, nak menangis ke........atau bersyukur ? Bersyukur tue mmg wajib laa ekk.. heehee. Untuk dia..heyyy ! Syukur Alhamdulillah...kehendak Allah. Tgh searching2 nama kedai.....tetibe terserempak nama die. ..Opss....rezeki ? haahaahaa !

Okay, fine ! Sbab gatal sgt nak tau background cik 'abang' sorg niee.......click jer laa. Tengok2..........laa....adik aku ker ?!! Haahaahaahaa ! Darn, I'm old !! I'm old !!! Nie bukan cik 'abang'....nie cik 'adik' namo eyhh ! OTL

Tergelak sket. Takpe laa...kalo yg bukan milik kite tuee, rela kn ajer laa. Takpe laa, dik. Akak (waahaahaahaahaa !!) redha yg akak niee......mmg tua dri adik. Ceh ! Tua xsmpai setaon pon ! Tpi still adik jugak niee...... Senyum jer laa, Yuy. Senyum.......sekurang2nya kau dh tau, kn ?

Okay laa...nak sambung menghadap buku ! Annyeong !!

KAK ILAH ! Akk, die adik fyqah laa, kak. haahaahahaaa !! *ROFL*