Something New ..

Assalamualaikum :)

Guess I've figured it out about what I should do to this blog .. I don't feel like deleting at the moment (not even sure why .. every time I tried, every post left reminds me of my silliness and how happy I was back then), but I think I know what I'll do to it.

Alhamdulillah, I got to enter UBD this year ^^ No longer an undergraduate .. but a Uni student. Not even sure if I should be proud or just .... sit down and eat some cookies. I finally got the chance to leave home and stay in a hostel with my friends. Finally know how it feels to be away from home. Finally got the guts (ballssss) to drive on my own. Shaky, but hey, my friends are still alive when I drove them from one faculty to another, alright ? And the most important thing .. I'm alone. Yes. Literally alone. Well, I got some friends, of course, but not from my form six group.

I don't have Hajah Jung at my side, I missed her loud voice and laughter (hell no, I'm not going to tell her that). Whenever she was around, despite being few days older than me, I felt like I was babysitting a kid 10 years younger than me. No kidding. But at certain times, she was there to comfort me and pushed some balls (not literally pushing the balls) into me and made me stepped up for myself. Maa mentioned about me and friends yesterday. She asked me if I finally found any friends there. I said, yeaah .. got some friends. And then fullstop, because I seriously don't know how to continue (partly because I'm not so sure about it myself). But then she actually noticed it ... maa suddenly said, "You don't really mixed that well with them other than Farwizah, aren't you? (note : Farwizah is her real name.) You only talked about Hajah and Fafa. Unfortunately, they're not with you."

There was a long pause .. yes, I fell in deep silence right after that. Because what she said was real. It's the truth, maa. I don't think I belong with them ... My place is supposed to be right in the middle between Hajah, Fafa, Qeebah and Jiaa .. Yes. My precious girls .. these are the friends who kept my sorrow away for the last 2 years. Yet we couldn't be with each other now .. I can hardly meet them now. They came to visit me last week ..... I tried okaay ! I tried to hold it in .. I told myself that I won't cry. Hell, Yuy. You freaking cried in front of Hajah ! She freaking saw your weakness !! What the hell was that for ?? Anyway, I didn't know what to say ... I feel bad. I didn't have anything to thank them properly. But I promise one thing and I won't say it here :) I hope Hajah will make it this time .. in another institute .. as long as I know she is still going forward and not giving up.

Yes, when maa said it. I thought I've forgotten how to talk again. The words stuck in my throat for seconds before I could reply to her. Yes, maa ... I missed them. They make me realized how much I should value my friends. They came all the way from KB to Core (the place where I'm staying right now) just to see me .. and I don't have anything to give them ! My life standard has reduced 82% ! -- BEGGAR ! :'(

I missed Fafa .. she used to whine a lot about things and she still does. heehee ! I don't mind .. it makes me feel like an older sister to her. An older sis with a huuuge responsibility. The kid is going to sit for her A Level exam this year .. all the best for her. Please pray for my little princess here too, alright ? She has suffered a lot lately. Craps happened again and again; it makes me worried that she would collapsed ... but I know she is as strong as hell, and those freaking shits can't easily knock her down. You craps better stop messing with my friend ... or I'll curse you. Trust me, I won't hesitate to curse anyone who pissed me off beyond my limit. Anyway, she told me that she cried while studying .... I actually smiled when I read it. Sorry, Faa ! I was mocking you or anything, little one. But you reminded me so much of what happened to me last year. Yes, I cried too. Harder than you .. the only difference is .... no one knew. No one knew how much I've suffered last year. I almost drowned in my own misery and yet no one knew. They thought I was doing fine, Faa. They thought I was okaay .. when my only thought was to end everything that night. I almost gave up .. but I then realized that .. I don't want to go without hopes. So I stayed ... and tried. I forced the shit out of myself and pushed my brain close to its breaking point ... I really did.

So, Faa ... don't worry. It's normal to cry. It's normal for you to stress up sometimes, but remember to rest too. Remember to relax for a while (don't go relax forever !). Remember to ear. Remember to sleep. Remember that you still have a long journey a head of you. If you gave up now .... how the hell am I supposed to see you in UBD ? We promise to see each other and hang out again in Bandar, right ? I'll wait for you girls .. I'll wait for Hajah, I'll wait for Qeebah, I'll wait for Jiaa ... and I definitely will wait for you too. I will wait for you girls all the way in Bandar ... I met and held each other grounds in form six, and now, I don't see any reasons for us to let go. So I will wait .. just promise me you girls won't give up. Fine a reason to continue. Faa, I know it's hard now ... but it will be harder if you don't try. Do your best, Faa. You can do better than us. Better than me. I believe in that. :)

Qeebah ... my little panda ^^ Yes, I call her panda. I remember how she used to panic whenever something was up, and how hard-working she was back then. I just hope she still continues to work hard now too. I don't want to see any of my friends giving up on something that they know they can own if they tried harder. Qeebah keeps on saying that I'm lucky to finally be able to enter Uni. All I could do was smiled at her .. I really wanted to tell her that I almost had a mental breakdown (CL's song playing at the back). I wanted to tell her I'm suffering all alone now. I wanted to tell her how uncomfortable I am among the people I don't even know ! I may seem 'lucky' in her eyes .... but I see her as a girl full with potential. A hard working girl who doesn't know when to give up. Hopefully, that's not just my imagination, Qeeb :) I know you're a stubborn girl who will try anything just to reach that certain level. It's not easy, Qeeb. It's not as easy as it looks .. I don't enjoy this. Did I look like I'm actually enjoying it ? I enjoyed my life as a Uni student, yes. But I suffered from the feelings that I've locked inside. So, Qeebah .. my one and only panda partner .. Don't tell me how lucky I am. Don't tell me how I should be happy now. Don't tell me that you can't do it. No. I won't listen to you .. I will look away and pretend that I didn't hear anything ..because I don't want to hear those lies. I know you can do it too ... you've put yourself in a very crazy situation before ... and now I want to see it again. The Qeebah who never stops writing, and never stops trying. I want to see you girls again .. I seriously do. I know you can make it too .. :)

Jiaa ... I'm not sure where you are right now. Why do I feel like you're trying to hide away from me ?? Don't you missed me ?? How could you ?!! If she was here, I can guarantee she would have sent her fist flying right to my face. Kekeke ! Jiaa .. I know you're not giving up on studying just yet. I know you're just trying to find some extra money so you can support your studies without burdening your parents. ..if only you know, Jiaa ... how much I'm proud of you. You may not believe this ... but yes, since the first time we met .. I know you'll be different. I've never had a Chinese best friend before .. but then I met you. You know most of my stories, my secrets, my weakness ... and you're still there for me. You gave me advice, you gave me tips ... I don't know how I would continue without you. Do you know how it feels to see others with their own best friend ? To see them being comforted by their best friend while I'm alone trying to mend my own wounds ? ..but Jiaa, do you know that for some reason, I just wish we would take Sociology class again together. With you almost falling asleep and all .. and your pissed off face whenever something annoyed you. Your jokes .. and silliness .. I missed all those things about you. Whenever I see a group of Chinese students ... I really want to text you and all, but then I know how you sometimes feel overly exhausted from work, I don't want to bother my little friend here. heehee ! Have you been well, dude ? Are you working hard ? You better. Don't go escape2 aa .. I'll report to your boss. haahaahaa ! Just promise me you won't give up on studying .. I know you can better than before. I know you're tried. Dude, I was tired too okaay ?! You know how I almost lost my mind while writing those freaking hella notes ! ...so if I could survive through out all those madness .. I know you can too. Thank you, Jiaa. I couldn't find a perfect time to thank you properly .. I know you've heard more than you should. Thank you so much .. for not using it against me. Thank you, Jijii (ohoho ! I feel a bit daring right now). Even if I've to wait for another 5 years ... then I will wait for you for another 5 years to come. I will wait.

Jung .. Hajah .. Farwizah .. My one and only Jung. A girl who knows what she wants and will always try to reach it. Jaah, we will meet again in Bandar :) It doesn't matter to which institute you will enter. LBC ? KEMUDA ? KUPUSB ? I don't need to know that .. as long as I know you're doing well. You will have Bibi there, right ? You will find a new friend too .. you don't have to worry about me anymore. Just remember to update me with all the things you'll be doing. I've been best friend since we were kids .. young, crazy, wild and naughty kids who had caused a lot of troubles to the teachers. And I bet some of our classmates hated us for it. But I don't mind ... they can hate me all the want .. I know you're the only friend I can rely on. Juung .. do you know how lonely I felt ? Well ..I feel lonely without your loud voice and cheerful laughter. I used to joke around saying that you're too loud and things ... but truth is, it made me feel comfortable. You know me more than anyone else. You know what I hate and love, yet you still go with the flow and join the conversation. We talk about things that others couldn't accept, that if they knew about it, they would be puking their dinner by now. But you laughed at me when I told you about it and still continued to converse about that 'topic'. You didn't see it as weird .. you laughed at it .. and you're still my best friend. Right until today. I don't want you to feel different just because you're not in UBD. Who the hell said those who entered UBD will have a good life ? Fuck those people, they are no God who handle other's faith ! Allah knows better .. He knows our journey .. He knows how hard we've tried. So He will settle everything for you .. as long as you don't turn away from Him. Try, jaah ... look for new friends if you must. It's probably easier for you to make new friends .. with those friendly gesture and personality .. you will have a new group of friends in no time. Just promise me you won't get too 'bounded' to them that you forget your studies. Study hard .. even without us by your side. All the best for you, Jaah .. :)

My other childhood best friend .. Amera Nazuha .. or Naz. Where are you ? I missed you :( Sorry we rarely talk to each other lately. I know you're busy and all .. I just hope you're doing well with your studies too :) Just like the others .... I know you won't give up just yet. Remember that Infinite is still in KOREA and you need to SEE THEM ! YOU NEED TO MEET THEM ! In order of you to do that .... you need money. Money, you can only earn them if you have good occupation. Good occupation will only be offered if you have good knowledge ... :) So let's study and break our skulls for once .. for us to get that knowledge and money (skip the working part. kekeke !) and we will meet our idols too one day. ^^ I'll try my best for this UBD too ... I must get that chance to travel to Korea. Just like how you, me and Hajah always wished for, remember ? Heehee. Study well, Naz. Remember to relax too ... by relax, I mean rest and enough sleep. Don't go for a long relax, alright ?? You can only relax when you've fulfilled your duty as a human, a daughter and maybe a wife and a mother :) kekeke !

I know that one day .. I will be forgotten too just like the others. Slowly, and bit by bit .. I will disappear from my friends' lives .. My name will no longer be said. My face will no longer be remembered by them. My voice will never be heard. But before that moment comes ... I just want to wish all my friends, sisters and best friends the best of luck. And may they have a brighter future ahead. For all the lies I've spoken .. please forgive me. For all the times that I've made you worried, mad, sad, disappointed, down ... please forgive me. For all the harsh words I've said to you .. please forgive me. It means nothing but words .. One day, you will forget about me, my dear friends .... but I promise I won't forget you. :) One day, I won't be there to support you again .... but I know Allah will always be with you. You're like a family to me .. a family who doesn't care about my flaws and still accept me though I'm odd. A beautiful family that I know everyone had wished to have one ... and thank you so much for your time. I'm sorry .. for everything I've missed. For everything I've done .. for everything I've said ... May Allah be with you in our journey. Erase me off your memory if you must ... as long as I know that you're doing well. Just like the others ... I'm just a human; a human with a beginning and an ending ..

Allah have sent me you girls to teach me lessons and loves ... may one day, Allah will guide you too. To a better place than where you're standing right now. Good night, my stars ... Good night .. and sweet dreams.


SINCERELY,
- A SOULLESS GIRL -