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Rabu, 19 Disember 2012

Just A Puppet - Happy or Sad?

Helww ! Assalamualaikum.. Annyeonghasaeyo :) Heehee. *sigh* ....I don't even know the reason WHY I still want to post anything on this blog anymore....I just realized that I'm all alone here. Eyhh..not really..I knew it from the start that no one will actually stay forever. So yeah, I am... Alone.. Again. December is here. I wonder how winter feels.. [Let's just say, I'm going to talk about weird & random stuffs now..] And my older brother has finally met his 'soulmate' and is officially married to her on the 16th December 2012. Congratulations, my big bro.

I've planned to leave this blog. To delete it, to be specific. I don't feel like I need it anymore. If you notice, I already deleted my chat-box long ago. [If you even realized it was there before] I don't need it anymore. I don't want any comforts from others. I don't need anything from outside. I'm still looking for myself.. I've lost it again. Yeah, maybe my words are too complicated to understand.. I've lost I start to fall apart, to shatter.. While others have their 'friends' by their side...I only have my Rilakkuma doll - Bingu - as my friend. I hug him when I feel bored, I cry on him when I feel insecure, I kiss my - Bingu Kuma - when I feel lonely. I even talk to it when I feel like I need to. What else can a girl like me do ? I'm just a human-puppet. I live as a human and free as a girl, but actually being restrain by strings, control my every move, word and act. I can't do anything. I can't escape. The only thing I can do make a friend smiles, at least once.

I know that I'm useless. I know. I can't do anything by myself. I still depend on someone to drag me from place to place. I can't do anything right. I can' my feelings nor my thoughts out loud. I can't act on my own. I can't hurt myself....why can't I hurt myself ? No, I'm not giving up.. I'm not whining either. If I can't let my feelings out orally, I'll let my thoughts to be heard by words. I can't say how happy I am, I can't express how to sad I am, I can't scream out for help when I'm in pain..... I can't even say a word to make a friend.. What else can I do ? Puppets can't talk. Puppets don't have normal friends. Puppets....only have their masters, their owners. What am I ? I miss everyone. My past life......what had happened to me ? Who brought me here to where I am standing now ? Wait, puppets can't cry. No, they do cry......but no one realizes that single tear on their wooden, cold cheeks.

Everyone has their friends now. Everyone is happy now. They are smiling even wider now. Can I feel the same way too ? I just want a friend who acknowledges my existence.. and my pain. I have those feelings too. The feelings you always have when you told me you are 'broken' by someone. I have experienced the same feelings too. Are you still crying when they hurt you ? Are you okay now ? How are you doing, my friend ? Are you happy with them ? Are they being nice to you ? Do they treat you right ? concerns.....might just seem like an empty space for you, right ? My concerns....might annoy you, right ? I'm sorry. ...When I'm deathly worried about're actually happy without my nagging, and stupid voice to disturb you now. I'm happy for you. I really do :) I really wish you could see my smile right now. No, I'm not talking about my late best friend. I'm talking about you.... my friends now...wherever you are. You might say I'm the one who is leaving you first.... I did that because I know you will feel my existence is a burden to you.

However, my words may be rude..but my intention is so I feel comfortable around you. My actions may be harsh..but my intention is so I can be accepted as who I am....and not as who you want me to be. I don't want to pretend.. I'm happy now. I'm happy that my friends are happy. I'm happy that no one witnesses me crying over something stupid. I'm happy that though I don't have anyone to hug.... I still can hug my Bingu without being judge. I'm happy. I'm smiling.... I really do. My friends........I don't know how to express my feeling, my guilt.......I don't know how. They say my life is perfect.....but they don't know my stories.. Ignore me. I just need a place to release these thoughts. If I keep them further.....I don't think I will be able to see the future anymore :)

Goodnight, world. Goodnight, Fyqah. Goodnight, Yuy. Goodnight....